Dear Annie, my father is attending his fourth wedding, this time with a former lover

Dear Annie: In a few weeks I will be attending my father’s wedding. He is 77 years old and this is his fourth wedding. However, that is not the biggest problem. My sister and I (both in our 50s) were surprised to find out about five months ago that his fiancée is none other than the woman he had an affair with 30 years ago when we were married to our mother. Although my mother never had an affair, she had her own problems, so they divorced a few years later. Forgiving my father was a hard task for all of us, but we have moved on from it.

A few weeks after we found out, my sister, brother-in-law, husband, and I called my dad to discuss our reservations. None of us asked directly, “Is this the same woman?” because we were still too shocked and didn’t want to confront my dad directly. We talked about our concerns about the upcoming wedding (“Yes, you’ve known her for 30 years, but isn’t this a bit sudden after your last relationship? I thought you said you realized you weren’t meant for anyone and wanted to stay single? What about your wealth? Etc.”).

My husband, who is licensed as a minister, was asked to perform the ceremony. He initially agreed, but based on his knowledge of the situation and his personal ethics, he became increasingly uncomfortable with the celebration of this relationship and wrote to my father to express this. My husband pointed out that he married the woman he had an affair with, and although we had forgiven him, asking us to “celebrate” this union with them was uncomfortable for all of us. My father is now upset (understandably) and thinks we fed my husband misinformation and is all attacking him. I assure you, we have not. He has not denied that it is the same woman, but he has not provided any clarity either.

We were not disinvited, but my husband was relieved of his responsibilities as best man and we are going to the wedding. I told my sister that our parents supported us when we were younger and made stupid decisions even if they didn’t agree, so I will support my father. My sister will also go, as will my husband, who will support me, but I am afraid that things will get out of control.

Neither of us is comfortable with the whole thing. Our kids are there too (mine, ages 31, 29 and 25, and my sister’s son, 23), but they are less involved in the drama and want to be there (maybe to watch when things get dramatic?). The oldest and youngest boys are witnesses, but the girls are just observing.

We are all worried. My son, who is also the chef and catering for the wedding, was even afraid that he would take sides. We assured him that he could participate as freely as he felt comfortable. The wedding is getting closer and closer. Any advice on how we should behave? – Stepdaughter again!

Dear stepdaughter: You have every right to be surprised and hesitant about welcoming this woman, who may have played a role in ending your parents’ marriage, into your family. Despite the risks, your father seems determined to pursue a future with her, and if a relationship with your father is important to you, which it obviously is, you’ll have to come to terms with that. But that doesn’t have to happen overnight – or even by the wedding day.

You did the right thing by sharing your concerns with your dad. The rest is in his hands. You said it best yourself: get involved when you feel comfortable and take things at the pace that feels right for each of you. It won’t be easy, but with time, grace, and patience, hopefully this new dynamic will evolve into something better than you ever expected.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].