Five-Song Friday: How hot is it exactly?

Summer has officially begun and the Earth is unleashing a massive global heatwave to kick off the party.

Editor’s note: This weekend will be hot with Maximum temperatures will reach 100 this Sunday! Stay safe. Also check out Pete Hume Substack Five Song Friday. HERE

How hot is it?

I’m glad you asked.

It is so hot… that the cup of ice water (50% ice and 50% water) I left in my car yesterday is now 100% water!

It is so hot… that I will NOT be wearing long pants today. Or my favorite sweater from Ireland. Or socks. Please call me before you come to my house. I don’t want you to see anything you might regret.

It is so hot… that my ice cream cone caught fire. And when I tried to put out the fire by eating it quickly, the sprinkles ignited my beard and made the whole situation a million times worse!

It is so hot… that they had to “shave” all the spider monkeys in the zoo. But a friend of mine who works there said that wasn’t really the case, there was just this one zookeeper who had been waiting forever for a good excuse to do it.

It is so hot… that gardening experts recommend only watering your lawn with the new limited edition Lightning Blast Gatorade, available exclusively at Circle K.

It is so hot… that your mom called and asked me to “check her central air conditioning.” I said, ma’am, I’m not an HVAC specialist. And she said in this really sexy voice, “I’m not looking for an HVAC specialist.” So I said, then WHY did you call me?

It is so hot… I saw a grown dog cooling off in a kiddy pool like a damn HUMAN CHILD!

It is so hot… that our local weatherman started yelling about breaking temperature records, and then he started breaking ACTUAL records over his head, and then he ripped his shirt off and started crying. It was intense.

It is so hot… that when I drove out of the grocery store parking lot, my car left burning tire tracks, just like in Back to the Future! However, I did not travel through time and possibly set several cars on fire.

It is so hot… that five birds just exploded in my front yard and I now know that birds are mostly made of feathers and blood. So. Much. Blood.

It is so hot… that instead of driving around the neighborhood, the ice cream vendor simply parked in the shade. But after idling for hours to keep his air conditioner running, he died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Sad news. But the good news: free ice cream!

It is so hot… that some trendy restaurants are now serving bowls of “snowball soup,” which, as it turns out, is nothing more than a bowl of crushed ice topped with a dollop of creamy avocado yogurt and some fresh mint. Pro tip: Save a LOT of money by bringing your own creamy avocado yogurt and mint and just asking for a bowl and a glass of ice water!

It is so hot… that sweating is the new “not sweating”.

It is so hot… that all the joggers in my neighborhood are running and all the walkers are standing still and begging strangers to put a Popsicle down their pants.

It is so hot… that a clown melted during a sold-out performance of Cirque du Soleil. And it wasn’t as funny as it sounds. Especially for the children in the front row.

It is so hot… that public swimming pools are now public hot tubs and you will not BELIEVE how many new diseases you can contract just by drinking the water.

It is so hot… that pigs are like, “Oh man, can you SMELL me?” I smell delicious.

It is so hot… that after years of being ridiculed for mesh tank tops, I realized the error of my ways. It was never about accepting the shirt. It was about loving myself.

It is so hot… that large cities are setting up cold storage facilities in community centres and schools, but also in ice rinks, cold storage facilities and in Norway.

It is so hot… that a political protester set himself on fire on the streets of Washington DC and the people around him just thought, “Oh, that guy should have worn more sunscreen.”

It is so hot… that the ground is literally made of lava.

It is so hot… that the refrigerators in the morgue broke and essentially became morgue ovens. Tragic for so many families, but a wonderful surprise for the one man who works there and is a secret cannibal.

It is so hot… that old people say, “You call this a heat wave? I remember the summer of 1936,” just before they burst into flames.

It is so hot… that the face of every squirrel in my neighborhood looks like Conan O’Brien eating spicy chicken wings on this episode of Hot Ones.

It is so hot… that commercial fishing boats are pulling already steamed shrimp and lobsters out of the sea. This is absolutely devastating for their business, but super tasty for their stomach!

It is so hot… that heat stroke causes far more deaths than normal strokes. And normal strokes don’t matter. Winter is coming, you motherfuckers. See you in December.

It is so hot… that I saw Ben Affleck drinking a Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew from Starbucks.

It is so hot… that just one hour outside can lead to cramps, swelling, and fainting! Thanks, Obama.

Five-Song Friday #118

“Surely shocking” – Buck 65

Buck 65 had me at Cousin Greg’s. But since a random dialogue snippet from Succession doesn’t make a song, he continued. He added some fresh beats, samples, awesome breaks, and lyrics that included cool names like “Thor,” “Tutankhamun,” and “Lao Tzo.” And after baking in the oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, the man had a song of his own!

“Did anyone tell me about this?” – Polish Club

You won’t get into a Polish club if your last name doesn’t have a “Z” somewhere in it, preferably combined with a bunch of other consonants. It has to be a name that makes people nervous and makes them laugh when they try to pronounce it. If you’re Polish, don’t take it personally. Your vocabulary is insane. After all, you come from a place where the words “Źdźbło”, “Szczebrzeszyn” and “Następstw” exist. So don’t be so squeamish.

“Oscar” – Sulek

Although this song sounds like a fun indie song about slackers hanging out in San Antonio with no money or a plan, it’s actually a shameless pro-Arby’s anthem designed to get us to eat more meat. And that’s fine by me.

“You must change your life” – David Wax Museum

And that’s the idea. Set this song to wake you up the morning after a night of really bad decisions and risky behavior. When the alarm goes off and your headache feels like a hot log splitter is jamming your noodle… when you realize you left your dirty khakis on the dance floor… when you’re missing two teeth and a pinky… and when you realize the person in the bed next to you isn’t even human, but a very sexy balloon animal… then this song will help. Inspirational!

“Heaven is a bed” – The Humble Cheaters

Even if my bed was the entire sky, those two stupid dogs would still think it was okay to sleep right on top of me. Sigh.

by Pete Humes

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