TikTokers are making playbacks to the voice messages of their lousy ex-partners
What do you think is good breakup etiquette? Maybe you forcefully put your ex out of your mind and never speak to or about him again; maybe you always stay on good terms with him (how?!); or maybe you want to air his dirty laundry to anyone who will listen.
Well, if you’re into the latter, you’re not alone. Whereas the only way to get revenge on an ex used to be to badmouth them around town—or, if you lived in a ’00s romantic comedy, to throw their clothes out the window when they’re at the door—today you can embarrass them in front of millions of strangers online. And according to a new trend, women on TikTok are taking full advantage of this by lip-syncing their crappy exes’ voice messages.
“You fucking idiot, you’re a fucking idiot, you’re really getting on my nerves now, okay?” says one user, brushing off a nasty message from her posh ex. “You’re a fucking idiot, you’re the biggest cunt I’ve ever met in my life. You answer me now or I’m going to fucking go ahead and insult you. Answer the phone!”
Most of the voice messages — all of which appear to have been posted by women who have had relationships with men — are similar: aggressive, condescending, and even controlling. In another video, a user’s bitter-sounding ex sarcastically laments that she moved on after their breakup. “Did you just move on so quickly and go to another boy, huh? My mistake for calling you ‘my girl,'” he says in the message, while his ex acts it out. “It really is my mistake for thinking you were my girl. If this is my fault, I’m really sorry. You can go back to your man if you want.”
Some of the voice notes seem to convey sitcom-esque fuckboy vibes. “Oh my fucking God,” one guy spits as his ex lip-syncs along. “You really wanna do that stupid shit, buddy? Just because I followed her and liked every single one of her Instagram posts doesn’t mean I want her. I just wanted to show my token of friendship. Ever heard of Friends?”
In our age of over-disclosure, where even the most private conversations are made public (including, albeit controversially, the gossip of strangers), these glimpses into people’s most intimate relationships through unseen glances are no longer surprising – but are they necessary?
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened on TikTok. Back in 2019, women poked fun at their unfaithful exes by dancing to their pleading voicemails. In some cases, the women shed light on potentially abusive dynamics, and one user followed her dance video with warnings for others in similar situations.
From that perspective, sharing these voice messages can actually be beneficial – both for the person posting them and for the women and girls who see them. “It’s good that these things are being talked about more,” says sex and relationship coach Lucy Rowett. “For so long, women have not been believed or told to ‘get it together’, ‘ignore it’ or ‘be better people’ by ‘getting over it’. So exposing the really ugly things that can happen or be said is one of the only ways to make sure it’s taken seriously.”
And by using humor (many of the women exaggerate their facial expressions and gestures while lip-syncing), they disarm the power of the horrific voice note, mocking the attacker and defining and retrieving a sad and intimidating memory. Turning these grim moments into content can also provide a kind of distraction from the gravity of these moments, especially when, as with many of these videos, millions of people express solidarity in the comments.
Commentators also take the trend’s humor in their stride, making the voice messages even more absurd (which they are). “This is my favorite trend, men are so embarrassing,” says one comment under one of these posts. “We have the same ex?” asks another. And a third: “How can he be mad at you for what he did?”
That’s why sharing such things online, rather than just with a few close friends, can be particularly cathartic. “Having strangers say, ‘I agree with you’ or ‘My ex did that to me too,’ can help you realize you’re not alone,” Rowett explains. “Sometimes that can be much more therapeutic than years of therapy. There can also be a sense of healing when people validate and (condemn) the abuse.”
But that doesn’t mean it works that way for everyone. In fact, Rowett worries that some people get trapped in an angry, irritable state when they join in on such trends. “If you post something like that, you’ll end up seeing more of it, especially on TikTok where you’re constantly sucked into the app,” she says. “If you’re constantly engaging with that content, it can cause you to stay in that state of mind, which can impact your mental health and your future relationships.”
There’s also the question of who is entitled to privacy online. One could argue that abusers, who typically work very hard to keep their abuse behind closed doors to maintain a “nice guy” facade, have no right to privacy. And I would agree. But there is a difference between shitty behavior and an abusive relationship—a nuance that is often lost online. As “therapy slang” becomes more prevalent, we’re quicker to label things as “toxic,” “gaslighting,” “red flags,” or “textbook narcissistic behavior”—psychological terms that, when used incorrectly, can serve to downplay the severity of these behaviors.
“Social media presents complex issues in a very black and white way, with everything being either toxic or a green flag,” says Rowett, “but most healthy relationships are a mix. As humans, we’re all capable of doing shitty things and acting like assholes to each other. I worry that at some point, someone will say something shitty when they’re angry, which will get shared online and people will say, ‘This is an abusive relationship’ (even though it’s not).”
Plus, as Rowett says, it often “takes two to tango.” It’s much easier to have a context-free, one-sided conversation online than to admit that we might be at fault in some way, too. Of course, no one can ever be blamed for being the victim of verbal abuse, but a crappy voice message or frustrated exchange in the context of a larger argument can and does happen. “None of us are saints in relationships, but that’s not a bad thing,” she adds. “We shouldn’t always idealize what makes a healthy relationship. Instead, we should learn to expect some mistakes and find ways to repair them (relationships after arguments).”
And more importantly, Rowett concludes, “Think about all the shitty, unhelpful things you’ve said to people in the past – whether it was in a relationship or a friendship. Do you want that taken out of context and spread online?”
But you could say: If you don’t want others to hear it, don’t say it.
If you are concerned that you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you can contact Women’s Aid in the UK at 0808 2000 247.
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