Let’s Get Weird Again – World’s Best Song Contest of All Time: Both Dakotas

Just click on the first entry to the Global Song Competition in which we found that “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best musical contribution to learning the rules of the game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular baseball season, so Andrew started a distraction contest to…

…determine the best song of all time based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll look at the few countries I can accurately target on a globe and spell correctly – sorry, Kirgustan (no: it was Kyrgyzstan). If you’re wondering why we’re back to A, well… we need the other side of the field of 64, and now states from the good old USA get a chance to play along with the countries we didn’t include last time. Click here for a better explanation.

*Note: Feel free to strongly disagree with my selections and suggest better songs in the comments. I won’t listen to you and it won’t affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look or sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively appeased.

The enthusiastic Idiotarods of Anchor of Gold have chosen Hobo Jim’s “Iditarod Trail Song” for Alaska despite everything else. The Dakotas were also chosen ahead of Brazil and Belgium, so we’re off to a great start. Luckily for you, Anchor of Gold isn’t filled with content at the moment and I’m recovering from an injury, so you’ll get… whatever I’m about to find.

Update: I could cobble together a decent article about North Dakota, but Holy crap South Dakota is a horror show. Let’s just get it over with.

1) Rick Pickren (?) – Hail! South Dakota!

I’d like to pretend that the random exclamation point in the middle means you’re about to get a “Godspeed You!” soundalike. But you’re not.

They don’t even boast about being the best! It’s just “Hail! South Dakota, a great state in the country.” One of many great states. “Hey, New Hampshire, you’re doing pretty well too! You too, Vermont!” So typical Midwestern of them.

I have to guess that the artist name is correct because Shazam showed Rick Pickren. (Aside: 67 people Shazamed this song. In related news, the entire state of South Dakota Shazamed its state song.)

You can imagine G8rDaver and his daughter’s school project being the reason for this shot. It’s also really the best that South Dakota has to offer, so that’s something.

Wouldn’t it be great to hear “Yea Alabama” or “Boomer Sooner” in this version? Yeah, maybe not. How about a version of Godspeed You! Black Emperor? Maybe not.

2) Wiz Khalifa – See you again

No, really. He was born in Minot, North Dakota. I know, I couldn’t believe it either, but I double-checked and someone actually named a city “Minot.”

I was going to go with “Black and Yellow,” but a song about how great Pittsburgh is seemed like too much to ask for a Dakotas post. So you get the song with (check YouTube) 6.3 BILLION VIEWS? That’s about as many views as an NAIA semifinal or something.

And someone on Reddit noted that Charlie Puth “exudes all the smoldering sexual charisma of Mister Bean” while singing “innocently catchy adult contemporary pop that you’d hear in the minivan on the way to soccer practice,” so that’s… obvious.

3) Peggy Lee – Fever

I can’t say much about that. “Fever” was nominated for Song of the Year at the very first Grammy Awards, losing to “Volare.” It’s been covered by everyone from Elvis to Madonna to Beyoncé. Boney M even did a disco-inflected version.

Lee’s version was actually a cover too – the original version by Little Willie John reached number 1 in the R&B charts two years earlier and is also worth listening to.

She also contributed to the music for Lady and the Tramp, sang “He’s a Tramp” for the film, and successfully sued Disney for $2.3 million in home video profits. Maybe I should have chosen that.

4) Lawrence Welk – Calcutta

PBS FUNDRAISER: GET INVOLVED!

This was number one on the pop charts in 1960 and it’s here because I hate myself and every single one of you. And because I once had it as a ringtone to annoy my coworkers. Come to think of it, I hated them too.

I don’t know what a harpsichord solo and a damn accordion have to do with Calcutta. The original title was apparently “Tivoli Melody,” but I don’t really know what a harpsichord and an accordion have to do with a theme park in Copenhagen. (I just looked up the original version, and God help us, Lawrence Welk made that rock harder. It’s like hiring Joey Lynch and letting him improve his offense.)

You know what, it was the early ’60s. People were stupid and just called things whatever they wanted. I mean, they took a Japanese protest song by Kyu Sakamoto called “I Look Up as I Walk,” released it in the U.S. as “Sukiyaki” (like the beef dish), and it went to number one on the Billboard charts.

Now I’m a little disappointed that no one released “Fortunate Son” in Japan and called it “Hamburger.”

5) Lynn Anderson – Rose Garden

According to Wikipedia, Lynn Anderson’s producer initially refused to record the song because he didn’t think it was a feminine melody. So no matter what you did today, you can feel smarter than this guy. The guy who called a protest song “Sukiyaki” can feel smarter than this guy.

This song reached #1 around the world in 1970, from Canada to New Zealand. One of the biggest crossover country hits of all time, or at least it was until Billboard changed its algorithm a decade ago and blew up the Hot Country charts. Did you know that Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line’s “Meant to Be” spent FIFTY weeks straight at #1 on that chart? Lynn Anderson’s producer can feel smarter than the inventor of that algorithm.

This is fantastic. The video is from BBC Top of the Pops and it’s pretty fantastic too.

…You’re going to vote for Hail! South Dakota!, aren’t you?

Shawn Colvin – Sunny Came Home

That’s it. This is South Dakota’s most famous song. A vehement, effeminate atrocity whose main selling point is that it’s not “Achy Breaky Heart” or “Run-Around” (SO, TOM, I LOOKED UP THE TITLE). That actually won the Grammy for Best Song in 1998 and was then interrupted by ODB reminding us that Wu-Tang is for the kids.

That was the same year that the idiotic Grammy voters also decided that the best dance song by 1998 should go to Donna Summer and not Daft Punk. And then the next year they passed over Daft Punk again in favor of Madonna.

Man, there are a lot of stupid people in this article.

(looks at the author name) oooooooooooooh

Bobby Vee – Take good care of my baby

If you’ve ever listened to oldies radio, you’ve heard this a million times.

So, time for a story: Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash in January 1959 while on a winter concert tour in the Midwest. (Side note: whoever planned this tour is the dumbest person ever.) Dion and the Belmonts and Waylon Jennings were also on that tour, and what I’m saying is, imagine living somewhere like freaking Eau Claire and getting THIS concert in your hometown.

Also, imagine being 15 years old and being asked to play a concert with your mates in 3 hours and filling in for Buddy Holly on the side. That’s how Bobby Vee and the Shadows started and I think that deserves praise.