The Bookless Club: Spooky Accidents

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My children tell me that I see everything in a darker light. That I have the ability to see the dark side of every undertaking, which drives me crazy. That I consider the most unlikely developments.

Yep, I do.

Only I don’t call it catastrophizing. I call it experience. I call it wisdom.

I mean, if you know anyone who has ever had a salmon fall from the sky onto their windshield, you know that anything can – and could – happen at any time. Things can go wrong in the most unexpected ways.

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So when I say beware of falling salmon, there is a reason.

Namely the Felco incident.

I’m in Lee Valley discussing gardening porn. Lee Valley is a paradise for hardware, tools and job-specific equipment. Heaven. I have no use for a fruit and nut gatherer, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting one.

In the middle of the gardening section is a board that displays the different Felco pruners on offer. They have a wide range of these Swiss made garden and lopper shears, including a selection of pruners designed specifically for left handed people. The pruners are mounted on a vertical board so you can see how they feel in your hand. You pull on the pruner and it is released into your hand via a retractable cable. This feature allows you to make an informed decision on whether you want the Classic #2 model or whether your tasks might be better done with the Felco #100 Cut and Hold Pruner. Check it out!

My friend tries them all out. The No. 2, the No. 16, the version with the composite handle. Me? I’m engrossed in the area directly opposite the Felco panel. “Hey,” he says innocently, “look at this.” I turn around.

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Now, for some reason, my hands are in front of my chest, my fingers slightly spread. As I turn around, he opens and closes the blades of the garden shears. In a balletic miracle of timing, I turn around just as he opens the garden shears. Somehow, my finger ends up between the blades of the garden shears just as he closes them. In that moment, my finger is cut to the bone…or should I say, cut to the bone?

It was a perfectly staged accident. The competent people at Lee Valley reacted very quickly to the rush of blood. It turned out to be just a flesh wound, but even if we rehearsed it a hundred times, I doubt we could repeat the event.

Timing, as they say, is everything.

A friend – an agile, fit and cautious individual – was carrying a bottle of wine and a tray of snacks. You’ve done it, I’ve done it. It’s a scene that plays out thousands of times every summer. What could go wrong? Well, here’s what could go wrong.

He stumbled and fell.

Yes, the snacks went flying, but more importantly, the wine bottle broke. His full weight fell on the wine bottle, leaving him with nasty cuts to his hand. It was an unimaginable accident… but it was what happened.

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So let’s get back to the salmon on the windshield.

Friends were driving through the wilderness. A river flowed alongside the road. They suspected that an eagle had caught the salmon, but the salmon was too heavy for the eagle and so it dropped it – kerplat! – right onto the hood of their car.

Nothing in life prepares you for windshield sushi. Nothing.

It is a moment when you realize that life is uncertain and full of variables and unpredictability.

So, children, when I say: Watch out for falling salmon, it is based on experience.

You’re welcome.

Jane Macdougall is a freelance writer and former National Post columnist living in Vancouver. She writes for The Bookless Club every Saturday online and in The Vancouver Sun. For more information about Jane’s activities, visit her website janemacdougall.com.

This week’s reader question:

Question: What experiences have you had with the completely unexpected?

Email your answers in plain text (no attachments), in 100 words or less, along with your full name, to Jane at [email protected]. We’ll print some of them here next week.

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Last week’s reader question:

Question: Do you think technology affects your vision?

• I have blue eyes. As a teenager, I started wearing sunglasses while mowing the lawn. My dad (and mom) had brown eyes and never wore one. However, he always made fun of me when I wore one and called me “Mr. Cool.” I wore them my whole life, especially when I worked as a lifeguard at Spanish Banks in the summer. My parents had cataract surgery in their early 70s. At 72, I have barely any signs of cataracts. Who’s cool now, Dad?

Lance Read

• I liked your article, but you missed an important observation related to the rose-tinted fashion appeal of tinted sunglasses. I find it very unsettling to talk to people wearing sunglasses, and I certainly don’t play cards with those people. They affect first impressions. Not good for making friends or building trust. The windows to the soul provide an important insight into the emotions, humor, anger, surprise, concentration, lack of sleep, and a whole host of other things conveyed by the expression of the muscles around the eyes and the bare face. So much effort goes into eye makeup and extended lashes, and it would be a shame to cover up that violet and hide it all behind those filters.

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Loy Leyland

• Here’s an under-appreciated aspect of wearing sunglasses even when it’s cloudy. When you’re gardening, you can easily injure your eyes if a branch gets in your eye. If you’re using a leaf blower and don’t have safety glasses, sunglasses will at least give you some protection. The same goes for mowing the lawn. Sunglasses aren’t just a fashion accessory, they can protect your eyes.

S. Guevara

• Do tinted lenses protect against blue light from devices? If blue light can disrupt your circadian rhythm, then I don’t think it’s good for my eyes. I’m all for using these new tinted lenses when online.

D. Chang

• Mirrored sunglasses are a particular thorn in my side. I can’t help but look at my reflection when I’m talking to someone wearing them. Mirrored sunglasses have always been used in movies as a sign of a corrupt cop. To me, that makes sense.

“Sam Smith

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