Love life: He believes condoms are for sleeping with whores

love life is a weekly series by Zikoko about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What is your earliest memory of each other?

Aliyu: We met in 1988 through family. Our fathers knew each other and one day her father came to mine with her in tow. They stayed for about an hour and we were introduced to each other. She was shy and hardly said a word. She just sat in a corner and I remember my brothers and I watching her from the hallway to our rooms and talking about how beautiful she was.

Mariam: I felt so unsafe being in a stranger’s house and not being able to do anything other than watch my father talking to his friend. I wasn’t supposed to go with him there; he had just decided to stop by on his way to get the things I needed for school.

After that, we met more often at family and religious gatherings and simply grew closer.

When did you start to like each other?

Mariam: After he kissed me in my father’s compound when no one was watching. It was the day after Ileya in 1989. I had only been kissed once before and it was not at all like his own kiss.

Aliyu: My brothers and cousins ​​had already discovered that I liked them. They saw that I sometimes stared at them. At that meeting, they teased me by making me kiss her and tell her how I felt about her. I didn’t tell her how I felt about her. I just kissed her and disappeared.

What happened next?

Aliyu: We returned to our lives.

She was still in school and I was trying to get into the family business of poultry farming. Nothing much happened until the next year when she came back from ABU for a long break and we met at the water factory where her brother worked. We chatted a bit and after she left I told her brother I wanted to marry her. Imagine if I said something like that if I had no money.

Mariam: My brother came home and told me about it. I just laughed. I had a crush on him ever since he kissed me without even thinking about my father’s house. But I didn’t want to believe that he liked me back. I went back to school and thought about him for weeks, imagining us being married.

Why did marriage come to mind first and not dating?

Aliyu: Maybe it was the timing, but that’s exactly what I wanted when I saw her. I wanted her to be my wife. So I worked hard while she was in school. I did anything I could to earn more money. I started buying and selling goats and rams. I made deliveries for a short time. I saved most of the money I earned.

Mariam: I had a few other suitors in school, but I decided to wait for the opportunity to be with Aliyu. I used it as a catalyst to focus on my studies.

He waited until 1992, my last year of school, before he went to my father and asked him about me.

And then you got married?

Aliyu: No, we flirted for another year. I wanted her to finish first. I didn’t want to rush her or scare her.

Mariam: During this time he constantly sent me money and gifts.

Many of my friends got married while I was in school, but I was glad I had to wait. The truth is, I was scared of the responsibility that comes with marriage. Learning from my friends’ experiences helped me feel prepared after graduation.

How was the wedding?

Mariam: It was a big celebration. Our parents invited everyone they knew. We had three different ceremonies and by the end I was completely exhausted. In fact, when I think back to my wedding, I associate it with tiredness.

Aliyu: We didn’t have time to bond before and during the ceremonies. After we tied the knot and moved in together, the excitement wasn’t really there anymore.

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What do you think?

Aliyu: I don’t know what I expected, but I wasn’t prepared for how boring life with one person would be. Everyone avoided us because they didn’t want to disrupt our brand new marriage.

But we just got on with our lives. She got a job, I ran my business, and we fulfilled our responsibilities.

Mariam: I think we were fine until the children came.

I had three children in four years and it was really hard for me. When the third child came, I started family planning and he didn’t like that.

Aliyu: I understood why she had to do it, but she hadn’t asked me first. What if I wanted another child? I also didn’t like how it was affecting our sex life. Getting her into bed became a chore.

How did you cope with this time in your marriage?

Mariam: It was hard taking care of the children mostly on my own. I had to quit my job after having the first child, but I was still always tired. Even with the help of my mother and younger sister.

At that time we hadn’t communicated at all, but he always took care of me, so I was happy.

Aliyu: In my eyes, I gave her space and time to focus on motherhood while I focused on making us comfortable. Running the business was no walk in the park.

Just

Mariam: When the children were all old enough to go to school, we were never able to build our relationship. We were fully grown up with grown up worries and responsibilities. There was no time for chatting and joking like I had seen my friends do with their husbands.

I’m not sure how it all went so wrong.

Aliyu: I found out she slept with someone else.

Excuse me, what?

Mariam: After I had just had our third baby, I got closer to one of my old friends from ABU, one of the “suitors”. He was still unmarried, so we often met when Aliyu was at work and I wanted to get out of the house and the chaos of screaming babies. We never had sex, but sometimes we became intimate.

Aliyu: I also slept with my secretary at the time. But that didn’t stop me from being angry. Instead of telling her that I found out, I just kept it to myself and resented her.

Did it finally come out?

Aliyu: Yes, when I saw her with a different man than the first one.

We moved from Kaduna to Abuja in 2004 and I spent less time at home because I had to travel more. I had a new girlfriend and I took her with me on most of these trips. I considered making her my second wife.

One day, when I had just returned from a trip, I saw Mariam leaving our house with this man.

Mariam: A trip with his “girlfriend”, I’m sure, but he had time to judge me.

Aliyu: Later that day I confronted her about it and she just apologized. I couldn’t say anything else.

You just left it?

Aliyu: Yes. I didn’t want any stress and I didn’t want to chase her out of my house. So why should I push it? I also thought that then she would be more willing to get me a new wife.

Mariam: The fact that he didn’t get angry made me realize that he didn’t care what I did. He didn’t care about me. He just wanted someone decent to give him children. And since I had given him two sons and had dared to start a family, he was done with me.

Aliyu: That’s not true. She was cold and that surprised me after we got married. I could never get her to loosen up and have fun with me.

So what happened after this second affair?

Mariam: At that moment, I felt like we had separated without actually separating. We simply started living different lives, although we still lived under the same roof – and slept in the same bed for almost ten more years.

Aliyu: I continued to travel all the time and we hardly spoke to each other. In 2007 I married a second wife, we had a son and it was peaceful. But in 2012 my second wife left me for another man.

Mariam: When he married a woman half his age. Guess who had to take care of another child.

You?

Mariam: Yes. The woman left her son. I recently heard that she moved overseas with her new husband and children.

Aliyu: I would never have allowed her to give my son to another man.

After that, I simply decided that I would not take another woman.

But did the affairs continue on both sides?

Mariam: Yes. I’m not proud to say this, but I found other men to whom I felt more committed than to my husband. I once considered remarrying. Ultimately, I didn’t want all the drama and stigma. And I didn’t trust that the new man wouldn’t disappoint me. Plus, I had three growing children to think about.

Aliyu: After my second wife left me, I didn’t have a relationship with anyone for years. It seemed irresponsible to me. Every woman I dated after that was just sex.

Do you think your children feel any sense that you are living separate lives?

Mariam: Probably when they were younger, but now they are all grown up and have their own families.

My daughter often calls me to try to force a resumption of the relationship between us because she feels she is in the right. But I scold her. She thinks it is my fault that the marriage “is not working well” because I never treated her father with respect. Imagine that.

Aliyu: There were times when you could have been more modest.

I think the kids understand how hard life and marriage are today, so they’re doing well.

Do you think you will ever get divorced?

Aliyu: No, I don’t believe that. The Prophet already said that of all permissible things, divorce from God is the most hated.

Even though you both commit adultery?

Aliyu: I believe marriage is for life. And I still love my wife. She will always be my first love. I do everything I can to treat her well. She has also given me three beautiful children.

Mariam: If I hadn’t done it when I was maybe in my 30s, I probably would never get divorced because there is no guarantee that what is out there is better than what is here. Aliyu is my partner in many ways, even if God didn’t allow sex and companionship to be one of them.

Today we are each other’s friends and confidants.

Right. What was your first big argument about?

Aliyu: When she suddenly wanted to use condoms during sex.

Mariam: He never agreed to use them, so I had to have the implants put in secret. When I told him about it later, he was angry, but he calmed down that at least he didn’t have to use a condom.

Aliyu: Condoms are for sex with whores.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aliyu: 5

Mariam: 5. Average.

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