What does love have to do with it? Stalking by an ex-partner

The purpose of pathological persecution of the ex-lover.

Rose petals on the porch, favorite chocolates delivered to the workplace—such romantic displays of affection often come with Hollywood-inspired stereotypes of behavioral patterns exhibited by former significant others seeking to rekindle their relationship. Real stalking victims are more likely to fear coming home to find a dead cat or an ominous note on the refrigerator proving that the former lover-turned-stalker has been in their home. Understanding the true motivation behind romantic misperceptions can protect victims and get stalkers under control. Research explains why.

No love lost

I have spent decades tracking stalkers whose attention has often evolved from focus to fixation after an unwanted breakup. Some jilted lovers lament “lost love” despite the often very short duration of the relationship, even after one-night stands. Others experience unrequited love, having never progressed beyond the acquaintance phase before rejection triggers obsession. But because stalking is often intentional in creating fear and can be dangerous, it is extremely important to understand the true dynamics.

Revenge for rejection

Christina M. Dardis and Christine A. Gidycz (2019) examined the difference in unwanted pursuit behavior among stalkers motivated by reconciliation or retaliation. (i) They begin by discussing several theories that have been proposed to predict levels of unwanted pursuit behavior (UPB) following romantic relationships, including relational goal striving, coercive control theory, and attachment theory. They evaluated a proposed integrated model (Davis, Swan, & Gambone, 2012) of both cyber and face-to-face UPB toward former partners using a sample of college students.

Dardis and Gidycz found support for the integrated model across two primary approaches: the first, based on relational goal pursuit theory, is motivated by the desire for reconciliation, and is associated with minor UPBs; the second, based on coercive control theory, focuses on retaliation motives, which was more strongly associated with severe UPBs online and in face-to-face settings. How does this happen? Dardis and Gidycz found that control difficulties and possessiveness influenced the performance of UPBs primarily along the coercive control approach, and anxious attachment influenced the approach to reconciliation. There were few gender differences between the models, although interpersonal violence by male perpetrators was more strongly associated with more severe UPBs than interpersonal violence by female perpetrators.

Consequently, identifying the motivation behind the obsession is of significant importance for the safety of the victim and his family. Equally important is correctly assessing the pathology behind the obsession.

Recognizing when the rose bloom has faded

Victims of stalkers who once bought them roses need to make sure they do not view the perpetrator’s behavior after the breakup through rose-colored glasses. By closely observing and recognizing the stalker’s motivation, they are in a better position to take action to protect themselves. In all stalking cases, a firm “no” followed by consistent non-response to the stalker’s advances is the best way to suppress unrealistic reconciliation goals, and involving law enforcement is often the best option for victim protection and redirecting the perpetrator.

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