Love life: Nigeria should let us marry in peace

love life is a weekly series by Zikoko about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What is your earliest memory of each other?

Ene: We met exactly ten years ago in a women-only LGBTQ+ support group. I had just joined the community through an invitation from someone I met at work, and about a month later they were hosting a book club meeting. I love reading, so I was happy to attend.

I sat next to Nduka. Her big smile and pleasant scent caught my attention. We quickly became friends.

Nduka: I remember we were talking about The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt and she made a joke about how difficult it was to get hold of new foreign books. She had read a pirated e-book online and it turned out that more than half of us in the room had done the same. We exchanged numbers and email addresses because I wanted to send her a few other books I liked.

When did you realize that you liked each other?

Ene: The group organized meetings at least once a month and we always talked to see if the other person was attending. She lived not far from me at the time, so we started going together. I don’t usually like going to places where I don’t know anyone, so if it weren’t for her, I would have stopped going to things like that.

By the third time we did this, we had formed a bond outside of my usual circle of friends. She became the only person I could talk to about anything remotely related to queer feelings; all of my friends tended toward homophobia.

Nduka: I had been part of the community for about a year at the time and had made a lot of friends. But she made me feel distant from the other girls. She was new to this whole lifestyle and somehow I found her really attractive, so I did everything I could to support her without being pushy.

I knew I liked her the first time we spent a game night together in the same taxi. I wanted to kiss her many times, but I held back.

What was the turning point after all this reticence?

Nduka: Months after we met, she asked me if we could remain friends beyond the community and not just meet up.

Ene: I liked her a lot, but we only talked or hung out when there was a community activity. I wanted more than that. She said, “Of course,” but between work and the fact that I was paranoid about being out together, we still hung out with just the community for months.

Nduka: Then one Sunday I just called and asked if I could come to her house. She was still living with her parents, so she was hesitant to say yes. I came anyway and we stayed in her room all day, talking and reading.

That day, our relationship became more than just friendship. We kept looking at each other and our conversation was very flirtatious.

Ene: I was so shy and kept blushing.

Tell me how you started dating

Nduka: After that day, we started having these long phone conversations. But we also missed some community meetings.

Ene: I think we were afraid to be together in public. I was probably the scared one.

Nduka: No, I just knew I would try to kiss you or hug you all the time. And I don’t think you were ready for that.

Ene: The founders kept calling me to make sure I was OK. I wanted to tell them that I had fallen in love with another member and didn’t know how to act.

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I understand you, girl

Ene: Thank you very much.

Nduka: Anyway, during these phone calls, I kept making it clear that I just wanted her to be my friend. And she always found a way to distract me. It was so frustrating.

Ene: I didn’t want to read too much meaning into anything. And I had never dated a girl before. I really didn’t know how to act.

Nduka: One day I ended up at her house again. It was Saturday and only her mother was home and in the living room. I kissed her, we fooled around a bit and I looked her in the eyes and said: “Please, be my girlfriend.” She shook her head but said yes anyway. I knew then that I was in for a rollercoaster ride.

Scrim. What happened?

Nduka: Our relationship for the next year or so consisted only of her sneaking into my house – I had moved out of my parents’ house and only had one roommate – and we would sometimes make out and have sex. That was it. I tried to have a little romance. We were constantly buying each other gifts, but we could never go out, and I couldn’t even hold her hand when we got together at church.

Ene: I was shy and scared.

Nduka: At first I enjoyed showing her why queer sex is better for women. But after a while I wanted more.

Don’t get me wrong, we had some really nice conversations. We told each other everything and I felt so connected to her. So I told myself that I could be happy with that.

Have you talked to her about wanting more?

Nduka: I brought it up. But I was also afraid of pushing her back into the closet, so I proceeded cautiously.

Ene: She’s a really loving person. I always thought we’d be in public and she wouldn’t be able to help but get close to me and brush my hair out of my face or something.

I also knew that my friends wouldn’t accept her because she was always so openly queer. And yet I admired that about her. How brave she is to be who she is.

How has your relationship developed since then?

Nduka: We’ve come this far and we really just needed to feel comfortable with each other.

There were times when I thought I would leave her for someone else. But I knew that other people wouldn’t be as open and honest as she was. I dated about four people before her and the relationships were always superficial and sexual. Not with her.

It was shocking to accept that at some point I had fallen in love with Ene.

Ene: She was patient with me.

I still remember our first date in 2018. I just thought, “What was I so scared of?” It was a nice dinner at a restaurant and it felt nice to be completely open with her. We didn’t think or talk about it too much beforehand. It was just time.

Nduka: In 2019, we talked about getting married. But it was a weird conversation because we weren’t even talking about marrying each other. We were talking about whether she would have to marry a man. Her mother had suddenly started asking her about it, and it was the first time we brought up the fact that we couldn’t even get married. What did that mean for our commitment to each other?

Ene: I decided that I didn’t want to marry anyone if I couldn’t marry her, so we moved in together soon after.

How does it really feel not to be able to get married?

Nduka: It sucks.

Ene: I feel vulnerable and sometimes insecure about our relationship.

Nduka: After being together for so long, we can safely ignore that. We focus on what exists: the love between us, how important we are to each other. Everything else is just semantics.

Do your parents, family or friends know after so much time together?

Ene: In 2021, I finally came out to my parents. And it was the scariest experience ever. I don’t know how I did it. I think they were so shocked that they just acted like I never existed.

Nduka: I mean, they still visit you from time to time.

Ene: My oldest brother heard it and kept saying, “But you’re both so feminine. How does that work?” He just laughed at me. It felt devaluing. I don’t know what would have been worse, what I got or anger.

Nduka: My mother knew that I was gay since I was at university. But she has prayed against the “spirit in me” to this day.

What surprises me, though, is how our families still support us silently despite their different beliefs. They still look out for us. My older sisters are always at my house and want to hang out. Most of my friends are open-minded. But we had to lose most of their friends.

How did you feel about it, Ene?

Ene: Sad.

But I never really felt accepted by my friends, so I don’t let myself get too sad. This one “friend” actually started telling everyone and spreading gossip and lies about our relationship. It was toxic. These weren’t real friends.

Nduka: We did so many new, healthy things together.

Ene: The community was the perfect support group. Our friends there are some of the best people I have ever met.

What does the future of your relationship look like?

Ene: We’ve talked about having kids. I’ve always wanted kids, so it’s been a big topic between us for the past few years. We’re still torn about whether to use a sperm donor or a sperm bank for IVF.

Nduka: We visited fertility clinics and they were surprisingly homophobic.

Ene: We found that it was easier to approach them as a single mother than as a queer couple. And that was heartbreaking because it’s not like they’re particularly supportive of an unmarried woman who wants children.

Nduka: Adoption was ruled out for obvious reasons. Crazy, but IVF is actually cheaper.

Interesting. What about the resistance you might face raising children as a queer couple in Nigeria?

Nduka: We have thought about it. But society has already taken away our opportunity to marry. We will not allow it to take that away from us too.

Ene: I know it will be a drama, especially when they go to elementary and high school. I guess we’ll get through it when we’re ready. I’m scared, but not enough not to at least try.

Fair. What was your first big argument about?

Ene: We often argue about money. She spends too much money, especially on gadgets and household appliances.

Nduka: Or you’re too frugal. She’s saving for the apocalypse or something. She can go for days without spending a dime, a skill that has thankfully rubbed off on me.

Ene: A little.

I wouldn’t call them big fights. I don’t think we had a big argument.

Nduka: NO.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nduka: 8. Nigeria should let us marry in peace.

Ene: Yes, 8. When we are alone, it is perfect. But when the world comes along…

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