Preparing for death | Centre County Gazette

Although it may sound daunting to some, Death Cafés are group discussions about death with no agenda, goals or themes. They began in East London, England in September 2011 and have since spread around the world with the aim of raising awareness about death and helping people make the most of their limited lives. Although they were originally created as in-person groups, many are now offered online. I ran Death Cafés for several years and was always inspired afterwards.

At a recent Death Café, one of the participants asked the question, “How do we prepare for death?” The conversation that followed ranged from role-playing as if one had received a terminal diagnosis to researching the controlled use of psychedelic drugs.

Interestingly, the discussion focused on the emotional, psychological, spiritual and social aspects of dying, not the logistical aspects like completing legal documents and pre-planning funerals. While having these things under control can definitely give us peace of mind and help us prepare for death, they were not the most important thing for the participants that day.

Under the guidance of these participants, I will address attitudes toward death.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the question, “What is the best way to prepare for death?” You may be wondering why we should do this. I believe that preparing for death helps us live our lives better now, increases our resilience, makes us less anxious, improves our ability to assist others in life’s turmoil, and increases our chances of having a “good” death. As the Dalai Lama said, “Man is so worried about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result is that he lives neither in the present nor in the future; he lives as if he were never going to die, and then dies without ever having really lived.”

So how can we really live and prepare for death? I think we need to start with a little introspection. Dr. Karen Wyatt, author, presenter of End-of-Life University and former hospice doctor, does great work on these topics. In an article titled “How to Develop a Death-Positive Mindset,” she outlined some suggestions:

• Addressing fears surrounding death — Death is one of our greatest fears. We can reduce this fear by engaging more with the topic of death. This could be, for example, by keeping a diary, having conversations, reading books, listening to lectures, watching videos, attending death cafés or being present at the death of loved ones.

When we confront our fears, we are reminded of the importance of living fully now. Mark Twain put it well: “The fear of death follows from the fear of living. A man who lives fully is ready to die at any time.”

• Exploring past experiences — Exploring and healing unresolved pain can help us prepare for death. As a death counselor, I often talk to people about RUGS—regret, unfinished business, guilt, and shame. It’s never too early to start addressing the RUGS in our lives.
• Question misjudgments — In our culture, some of the words we use in relation to death are depressing, scary, ugly and painful. “It’s about remembering that death can be tragic and beautiful at the same time. Learn to see the beauty in death wherever it occurs,” Wyatt wrote.

Yes, dying, death and grief can be difficult moments, but that is what it means to be human. But there can also be sweet and tender moments. One family I accompanied on the patriarch’s dying journey felt the pain of losing him, but also described the whole experience as deeply spiritual and almost magical.

• Change the language around death — In addition to confronting our misperceptions, we can also be intentional about choosing our own words when we talk about death. We don’t want to downplay other people’s experiences, but instead of assigning negative adjectives to death, such as horrible or brutal, we can simply offer our love and compassion. We want to be there for others’ grief without making it worse.
• Think about death every day — I’m not suggesting we do this in a sick way, but rather that we seize the day. Knowing that life is finite allows us to see it as a gift and make the most of each day.

I encourage all of us to be gentle with ourselves as we tackle these suggestions. As I said, death is one of our greatest fears. Professionals can help guide us, and education and support meetings can provide a safe space to process our thoughts and feelings. I think you will appreciate how this changes your life.

Below is a list of upcoming education and support events on the topic of grief and death:

• Virtual Monday’s Moments meetings, “Tender Moments,” on Monday, July 1, from 12:00 to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom.
• Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together, in partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation, on Tuesday, July 9, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Tom Tudek Park, Pavilion #2, 400 Herman Drive, State College.
• Stories of Loss, in collaboration with Juniper at Brookline, on Tuesday, July 9, and Tuesday, July 23, from 4:30 to 6:00 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
• “Monday’s Moments” in Sunset Park, in partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation, on Monday, July 15, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Sunset Park, Pavilion #2, 850 McKee St., State College.
• Virtual meeting at Death Cafe on Monday, July 15th from 4:30pm to 5:30pm on Zoom.

For more information, visit the Funeral Services and Events page of the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email (email protected), call 814-237-2712 or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.

Jackie Naginey Hook is a spiritual director, eulogist, and end-of-life counselor. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program at Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, call 814-237-2712 or visit kochfuneralhome.com.