Carolyn Hax: After the divorce, mother raves about her new love for her child

But it’s driving me crazy! I don’t want to hear it. I’m sad about my stepdad and even though I 100 percent want her to be happy, I’ll admit I’m holding my breath a little until the craziness wears off and I can see that this is serious.

It hurts her that I don’t support her, and she makes comments like, “At least (so-and-so) wants me to be happy.”

Am I an idiot for not accepting this without reservation?

Anonymous: Unreservedly is about your feelings. You can’t be an idiot just because you have feelings and then selfishly act on them.

Do you detect any selfishness in your letter?

I see a lot, but none of it seems to be coming from you. Your mother may have left your stepfather out of infidelity and apparently without compassion. And she’s giving away too many details about the new love without considering your interest in it. And she doesn’t seem to want to consider that you simultaneously care about your stepfather, want his happiness, and want a little distance from all this.

And besides, the theme song of this parade of the self, “At least (so-and-so) wants me to be happy,” makes me want to press my fingers a little too hard into my eyeballs.

So, no, I’m not inclined to call you an idiot. Respecting your own discomfort isn’t selfish. And you’ve obviously made an extra effort to be considerate of other people’s feelings.

In that sense, the honeymoon phases are actually exuberant (and self-centered). And to compound matters, your mother may also have been worn down by her marriage to your stepfather in ways that no one outside the marriage could see.

So your patience with her is actually quite sweet – assuming she hasn’t prepared you for it with a lifetime of emotional manipulation based on the motto “I’m sorry.”

If you’re not sure what it is, you can probably figure it out. Just say this the next time she whines about your lack of support and see how she responds: “Mom, I 100 percent want you to be happy. But as your child, I don’t want any gory details.”

She will be able to understand this easily if she can look beyond herself enough to accept your right to say no.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for almost sixty years. I can’t count the number of younger people who ask me what the secret to a long marriage is. What can I say? If I tell the truth about how much work it is, that might put them off the marriage. If I say, “Oh, just love each other,” that wouldn’t be true. What else could I say?

I am still working on it: It’s about answering honestly and not answering in a way that preserves your willingness to get married. Or is it?

Ask how detailed the answer should be, then speak from your experience accordingly. In fact, ask more than you say to address customer concerns.

That’s probably why people come to you. If they’re just looking for confirmation of their prejudices, that’s not your problem. It’s their problem.

They may also just want to have a pleasant conversation and not expect serious advice.

You are free to not offer advice at any time upon request.