Antisocial son-in-law tests family patience

Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency

Ask Amy: Advice for the real world

Dear Amy, I have a thoughtful, successful 38-year-old stepdaughter. We have a good relationship and enjoy each other’s company. I live abroad, so I only see her and her family once or twice a year.

The problem I have concerns her husband, my son-in-law.

He is completely antisocial and barely notices my presence.

He has never initiated a conversation and is either absent from family gatherings or present but plays video games on his cell phone.

I learned not to take it personally because he treats everyone equally, including his own family.

Family members and friends have tried to understand his behavior: is he “autistic,” is it a cultural problem (he comes from another country), or is he just rude?

Some friends and family members have talked to my stepdaughter about it and she says, “That’s just the way he is.”

I will be visiting her later this year and I am already worried.

During my visits, I find his behavior so unpleasant that I look for excuses to go to bed early.

Is there another way for me to understand and come to terms with his behavior?

– Curious

Dear Curious: I don’t think you (or I) need to try to diagnose or categorize your son-in-law’s behavior in order to make peace with it. “Peace” (or acceptance) is a choice. You say you don’t take his behavior personally, but that’s exactly what you seem to be doing.

It might be helpful if you see him as a shy or introverted person who doesn’t initiate or actively participate in conversations, but who might listen in his presence or observe the family dynamics in his own way.

You say that others have raised this issue with your stepdaughter, but it might be helpful if you talk to her – or him – to make sure he’s OK with you being a guest in his home. Ask for suggestions on how you might approach him.

“Difficult” people pose a challenge and test your tolerance, but they also provide you with an opportunity to grow. And if you can’t grow, you can at least tell yourself that you need to break away from his behavior in order to maintain the connection with your stepdaughter.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @fragenamy or Facebook.

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