This is the real reason people book travel (it’s not what you think)

It’s a great summer for Taylor Swift, the Labour Party, the English and Scottish national teams – and breakfast buffets. The great political divide in my universe at the moment is less Rishi, more Dishy (and lots of that, thank you). Fewer constituency boundaries, more cereal bowls. It’s not the lack of them (I’ve complained about that before, and if a political party is brave enough to promise free hotel breakfast in its manifesto, it’ll be the first to get my vote on July 4th). No, that divide is how important breakfast is on holiday. Are you the kind of person who books a trip based on the quality of the breakfast?

Well, it seems that 60 percent of Brits do just that. – at least, according to the study by Asda Travel Insurance. To be honest, I’m surprised the number isn’t higher. Those are my people!

Cathy and her colleague Liz enjoy a breakfast buffet at a Premier Inn

Research goes even further and says that more than a quarter of holidaymakers have spent so long stuffing themselves at breakfast that they had to postpone their plans for the day. That definitely didn’t happen to me, especially at the Oberoi in Bangalore a few months ago, although the dishes continued to be brought to my table as if I were a breakfast guest. I felt absolutely fine and normal afterwards, thanks for asking. What do you mean my waistband is tight?

I believe more people would book their holidays based on breakfast if it were like mine, so here’s my breakfast manifesto. More breakfasts should emulate the generosity of the Glasshouse at the Grove in Watford (endless stations of eggs, bread, pastries, even a chocolate fountain), the Bacchanal Buffet at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, which has a seafood station with two kinds of prawn and three kinds of crab, or the rainbow of exotic fruit – and branded coconuts – served along the Chao Phraya River at the Mandarin Oriental Bangkok (and yes, of course the more extensive the buffet, the more stringent the waste disposal system should be). It doesn’t matter how amazing the spa looks if all you can get for breakfast is eggs under a heat lamp and sad chicken sausages – or, howl, a cappuccino from a vending machine.

An Oxford University mathematician commissioned by Asda has come up with the ultimate formula for cramming as much food into your mouth as possible. Dr Tom Crawford recommends starting with a hot plate loaded with “a piece of toast, a portion of eggs, a portion of beans, two slices of bacon and two sausages”, followed exactly 16 minutes later (to aid digestion) by “two slices of smoked salmon, two portions of fruit, a pastry, a yoghurt and a bowl of cereal”. To this list I would add a few pastries to take away for later.

There’s one more thing that needs to be resolved, but I covered that in my manifesto (with a big buffet comes big responsibility). It’s the one fear that makes me sweat even more than eating six plates: the awkward table-saving dance. Are sunglasses enough to signal my presence while I watch the omelet station? Would it be too weird to write a note? Is it appropriate to leave my preschooler there alone while I get his Coco Pops and five specific types of berries?

A commenter on a popular Mumsnet thread last week said she had argued with a guest who accused her of “stealing” his table. He argued that he had “folded his napkin” to indicate that it had been taken from him. (I and everyone else on the thread agree that a “folded napkin” is not enough to steal a table – one person called him a “presumptuous clown”.)

How do you do it? My husband and I usually take turns, one of us sitting there, stomach growling, waiting for the other to return, and when I’m alone, I spread holiday stuff across the table—sunglasses, a cardigan, maybe my Kindle (never my phone)—while clammily looking across the room to make sure no one has lain down on my chair. The whole thing is as stressful as deciding what to put on your plate first. So here’s my campaign-winning promise: Give us the equivalent of a “do not disturb” sign for tables so we can choose our 2,000 calories in peace.

Where did you find the best (and worst) breakfast buffet? Let us know in the comments below

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