To Pastors’ Spouses (and Those Who Love Them)

For the past two years, I have taken on a new title: “pastor’s wife.” This explanation is a little odd, because technically I have been a pastor’s wife for eleven years. But here’s the kicker: the day my husband was ordained, I was ordained. I am also a pastor.

I have now lived in both worlds: as a pastor and as a pastor’s wife. I can tell you, the experience was completely different. To all the pastors’ wives out there, I would like to say: I see you.

Before it gets too confusing, let me give you a little background. My husband and I pastored together for over nine years. Before that, we completed an M.D. program and did six church internships together. We have been working together in churches longer than we have been married. (And just FYI, because I get asked sometimes: I did not just follow my husband into the ministry. I studied theology before we met. We both have unique stories of our calling that eventually fed into the model of pastoring together.)

Two years ago, everything changed. My husband was called to pastor another church, and I chose to stay home full-time with our three young children. This was a very difficult decision for us, but it felt necessary. Our children were newborns, two and four years old, and we had just come out of the pandemic. We were exhausted. But so was the church we attended. It had had a rough few years of its own. We knew that both our children and the church would need a little more affection over the next few years, so we decided to split the work. I chose to stay home.

What I did not expect when making this decision was how completely different the experience would be of joining a church as a pastor’s wife rather than as a pastor. Since I was 22, I have been applying to churches with a resume and an interview. While this has its problems, it also has its advantages. At least some people know your background – and not just your professional history, but your personality, strengths, weaknesses, and the inner workings of the Holy Spirit in your soul. Because let’s face it, interviews for pastors are not like any other. They get very personal very quickly.

The pastor’s spouse joins a church in a very different way: He (or she) is not known primarily for who he is, but rather for how he is in relation to others. And while the pastor becomes increasingly well-known through his weekly sermons, the pastor’s spouse is known primarily for… what did she wear to church on Sunday?

I am very happy that our new church is very emotionally mature. As a pastor’s wife, I felt incredibly welcomed and cared for. There was a strong core of people who made a real effort to get to know me for me. One kind soul even bought a bottle of wine as a gift just for me during the interview weekend and said she prayed for me while I was paraded around like a show pony. She was joking, of course, but there was some truth to her statement. During that long weekend, my husband had hours of undivided attention to share his thoughts, experiences and background. I was just, well, There.

But not everyone has this awareness, especially those who are new to the church. I was called “Mrs. Brandon.” I was asked if I pick out my husband’s clothes for Sunday morning. (The answer, in case you are wondering, is NO. He knows a lot more about menswear than I do.) Some have tried to bridge the gap by admitting, “I bet you’re doing things behind the scenes that we don’t know about.” That’s a very kind and well-meaning statement that I really appreciate. At the same time, I can’t help but think: You have no idea.

They have no idea that I was the one who held a demanding job for seven years that supported both of us financially while we attended seminary. (Incidentally, during that time, it was my husband who faithfully did the laundry and baked all the cookies for the church potlucks. His cookies are always better than mine.) They have no idea how much we have honed my husband’s knowledge and skills together through hours of studying. While other couples play recreational sports or bird watch, my husband and I talk about theology and church politics. I support my husband in many ways in his work as a pastor, but not in the way some people assume.

Suddenly, I felt a newfound compassion for the spouses of pastors I know and love. Have they spent most of their adult lives feeling misunderstood, overlooked, or overshadowed by their spouse? Have they felt like second-class citizens in the churches that are supposed to be their spiritual home? Are they tired of people talking to them about how well their spouse is doing and how wise and mature they are?

It’s weird when your spouse and kids attend your most important work event every week. I can’t think of any other profession (except professional sports) where that dynamic exists. Can you imagine the CEO of your company inviting her husband and kids to her weekly staff meetings? That would be weird. But if that happened, of course you’d tell your CEO’s wife what a great job she’s doing. It just makes sense.

Honestly, I am very I am glad that my husband’s sermons are reaching people and that his leadership is having an impact. I am glad that other people are seeing what I am seeing, because I personally think my husband is a top-notch pastor. I am undoubtedly his biggest fan.

But I have to admit, it’s exhausting on Sunday mornings when people keep praising my husband. It just feels unbalanced. No one comes home later to tell my husband what a great job I did getting all my kids fed, dressed, and out of the house on time. (To be honest, most mornings I’d rather preach than get the kids ready.)

I admit that my problem with this dynamic is mainly because it never happened to us before. What I have come to appreciate in congregations with couples pastoring (at least in the churches we have served) is the unspoken rule that one does not compliment the other about a spouse, lest it lead to unhealthy competition. Instead, our congregants spoke to us directly (for both positive and negative feedback). I never realized how healthy this was for our marriage until that unspoken rule was no longer in place.

Let me also say this: I hold no ill will toward anyone who has ever passed a compliment through me. Sometimes it’s just not possible to get to the preacher after the sermon. I understand that. I also admit that I am processing my own complicated feelings as I go through this transition from pastor to pastor’s wife. But I am sharing my experience because I imagine other pastors’ spouses have similar feelings.

Although I have been friends with many pastors’ spouses over the years and have heard many stories, I have now walked in their shoes. I now know what it feels like to go to a dinner with church people where 90% of the questions are directed at the spouse. I now know what it feels like to walk into a social event and someone waves excitedly and calls out, “There’s our pastor!” while I just walk along, largely unnoticed, like a fellow follower.

It hasn’t happened to me often. But it has happened often enough that I feel the pain. And it breaks my heart for all the pastors’ spouses who have felt this pain so many times that they are now numb to the pain.

A pastor’s wife confided to me that she has grown to hate weekends because every Sunday morning she has to fight with her teenagers to get to church so that her husband doesn’t look bad because his family isn’t there. The teenagers regularly protest: No one else has to go to their father’s work, so why do we have to?! One pastor’s husband told me that he no longer enjoys the holidays because his wife is at work on Easter morning, Christmas Eve, and Christmas morning, but he has to manage all the festivities alone with his young daughters. Another pastor’s wife shared that while supporting her husband through a period of great doubt, she had to sit through every sermon and pretend that he really believed everything he said (and then get the compliments on the sermon afterward!). And of course, I vividly remember Eugene Peterson’s admission that he tried to quit his job after missing bedtime with his kids over 30 (or even over 40?!) times in a row. (My goodness, his wife was a saint!)

I have a deep appreciation for the Christ-like role that so many pastors’ spouses fill, serving faithfully and quietly, often unnoticed in the background. But I also know how important it is to feel seen and recognized, and sometimes even to have one’s sacrifices recognized by at least some in the congregation. I am grateful that this is possible in our church. But I know that this is not the case for all pastors’ spouses.

I don’t like giving unsolicited advice, but here I’m breaking my own rule. If you know a pastor’s spouse, talk to them. Give them honest space to share. They may be enduring more than you realize. Being a pastor can be a very hard and demanding job. I know that. I’ve been through it. But I’ve also learned that being a pastor’s spouse comes with its own challenges, pressures that are often not known or understood.

To all pastor’s wives out there: I see you. God sees you. You are not alone.

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