Collapsing Nation expects singer to perform anthem sober

ARLINGTON, Texas — Americans around the world briefly paused their online death threats and instead declared that they believed Ingrid Andress should have been sober during her performance of the national anthem Monday night.

“Our nation’s anthem is the greatest song that ever was. Every time I hear it, I howl uncontrollably and salute the Stars and Stripes. However, Ms. Andress’s performance was the worst thing to happen to this country since President Clinton,” said Republican Gov. Greg Abbott as he turned on a generator to power an air conditioner and donned a bulletproof vest. “I know things are bad under Biden. Ms. Andress was probably concerned about our southern border and about Democrats letting people roam freely everywhere, but that’s no excuse. We’re never going to get the respect of the rest of the world if we constantly give stage time to Americans who make fools of themselves.”

Maryland resident Bradelyn Lake was particularly outraged after watching the performance while drunk at a local bar.

“I would never do that,” says Bradelyn Lake, mother of two overfed Shih Tzus. “I mean, I don’t really remember seeing it, but I know it was bad, and I know I would never do that to our nation that I love. If you’re going to sing the damn Pledge of Allegiance, you better do it right or I’ll find you and cut you up. This country protects me from homeless people, from scary guys with guns, from going to hell for driving my neighbor to an abortion. Other countries aren’t allowed to arm themselves when they leave the house. I can’t imagine getting in my car without my AK, people are constantly being attacked, what if I’m next?”

However, European heads of state and government fully agree with this behavior.

“It is standard protocol to breathalyzer test everyone who enters Wembley Stadium to make sure they are drunk enough, including the players,” said London Mayor Sadiq Khan. “This incident makes sense to me. Before our election, the alcohol levels measured throughout the stadium were much higher. America’s terrible future is in the hands of its citizens, and to deal with it, one of those hands had better be cool.”

At press time, Governor Abbott lifted his face mask to announce that he would play the national anthem at all future sporting events in Texas.