Action Bronson – JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR (album review)

Action Bronson has just released an album with the greatest title of all time: “JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR”.

5. DOCTOR

With all due respect, I would expect malpractice if Action Bronson were my doctor.

“DOCTOR” features the kind of instrumentation you might hear at the end of a movie when the good guys discover that one of them was actually the bad guy. It’s the perfect soundtrack for a scene where they walk out into the night and reflect on the unexpected twist. So what does Action Bronson deliver with this unique instrumentation? Bizarre lyrics, of course! Specifically, he talks about choking people with their own medallions, needing hammer pants to hide his hammers, and grilling meat over the fire. Although Bronson sounds pretty laid back, he deals with violent themes throughout the song (he doesn’t strike me as someone who is violent).

4. COMPRESSOR (Ft. Larry June)

Larry June steals the show here.

Action Bronson adding Larry June to “KOMPRESSOR” is more fitting than the Knicks adding OG Anunoby. His sophisticated style fits perfectly with the exquisite, silky smooth production. I’m also grateful he gets in a verse that isn’t ridiculous (he talks about regular crap like stacking and living a lavish life). And as for Action Bronson, he talks about rubbing something to numb my tooth, singing Ginuwine songs to get women off, and buying fellatio for $40.

3. HOGAN (Ft. Meyhem Lauren)

In “The New Adventures of Action and Meyhem,” which airs at 9 p.m. after ALF, Action Bronson and Meyhem Lauren take on all of New York’s gang bosses.

The beat of this track (which I love) gives me funky ’70s buddy cop vibes – like Starsky and Hutch shit. Thanks to the backdrop, you get an edgy version of Action Bronson, eager to ride the beat, and when he starts to slip, he quickly regains his footing. Lyrically, he talks about catching COVID at a Mel Gibson McGregor fight, waking up next to the motherfucker from Planet of the Apes, and dealing with women who are ashamed after blowing up bathrooms. As for Meyhem Lauren, he doesn’t sound as crazy as Bronson. He delivers a conventional verse where he finds numerous ways to say he’s ready to drag his competition through the mud. Oddly enough, he sounds like he recorded his verse after a car chase.

2. SEGA

No, Action Bronson went too far with this instrumental piece.

“SEGA” features an offbeat Celtic-esque instrumental that I have no idea how to dance to (shoutout to the Celtics though). Action Bronson isn’t perfectly on it, but he deserves credit for trying (that’s what effort looks like, Luka). Lyrically, Bronson delivers his trademark craziness, talking about swinging large pieces of wood, unsettling encounters with taxi drivers, and experiences at cranberry clubs.

1. Feeding a bat

I could definitely imagine Action Bronson knocking someone to the ground, so I would call him a thug.

In “NOURISH A THUG,” Action Bronson talks about diving into dwarves to understand physics, raiding Blockbuster stores during snowstorms, and exfoliating himself with mud in rivers. He also says a few conventional things, like sleeping in a bed with two lesbians and having muscular shoulders.

The production of NOURISH A THUG is incredible – it’s like a mix of the Cosby Show vibes mixed with some animal kingdom elements (kudos to Daringer). As expected, Action Bronson navigates the film effortlessly, spewing utter nonsense in the most fantastical way imaginable.

(C+) (77%)

I’ve never heard an album like this. I mean, the intro is a fucking cologne commercial.

Let me get this out of the way right now: Action Bronson is an incredible rapper. While I love his rap voice and believe he has some great rap techniques, the level of gibberish that comes out of his mouth is unbelievable. Seriously, if you look at JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTORwhich is a ridiculous title by the way, I literally found myself asking myself over and over again: What the hell is this guy talking about? But here’s the thing: It’s a damn good listen. Bronson’s imagination is on a whole new level and maybe (just maybe) he’s experienced some of the wild stuff he’s talking about.

Besides Bronson’s weird verses, there are also some weird instrumentals. I mean instrumentals with video game elements, instrumentals with 70’s buddy cop vibes, and instrumentals that sound like the shit you’d hear on Sesame Street. But here’s the kicker: It’s fucking awesome to listen to! Why does my brain like music like that, Jesus?

Quincy is the creator of Ratings Game Music. He loves writing about music, taking long walks on the beach, and eating spaghetti that makes him feel good.