HUMOR – DOROTHY ROSBY – Hearing voices

Two family members and I were talking about our interactions with virtual receptionists, automated phone services, and all sorts of other non-human voices we have in our lives these days. One said it doesn’t matter how you talk to them, you won’t hurt their feelings.

The other said that if you’re a respectful person, you’ll be respectful whether you’re talking to a friend, a virtual receptionist, or your azaleas. It’s a matter of habit. On the other hand, if you curse over bad, defenseless shots, you probably have what it takes to curse at anyone.

I’m not sure who is right, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best to live by the second theory. These days, artificial voices sound so real that it’s easy to get confused. I’d hate to tell a caller I thought was a robot that they only have a few gigabytes less than a full-fledged computer, and then find out they’re a real person.

Also, I’ve read that even calls to automated attendants are sometimes recorded for quality assurance. I don’t want one of my tantrums to be used as entertainment at a company Christmas party.

But the discussion got me thinking. If we practice speaking politely to automated telephone attendants and other talking devices we encounter, we’ll be able to speak politely to real people – even if they’re as dumb as dirt when it comes to politics and other current issues. These days, all sorts of devices talk to us, including fitness machines, alarm clocks, vehicles, and even gas pumps. Just imagine how much practice we could get out of that. And if we mess up and get naughty with Alexa, it wouldn’t be a problem.

With that thought in mind, I picked up my phone and said, “Hi Siri! Can you please tell me what the square root of 72 is?” She said, “About 8.4852.” Instead of just going about my business as usual, I thanked her. And she said, “You’re welcome.” She’s so nice when you treat her well.

Of course, I didn’t need to know the square root of 72. I suddenly felt guilty for always asking her stupid questions like, “Does the early bird really catch the worm?” and “How much wood can a groundhog throw?” I apologized and Siri said, “It’s fine.” She’s so sweet.

Later that day, I thanked the Google Maps lady in my car for not constantly saying “recalculating” like my old GPS did. She didn’t say it, but I think she appreciated that I noticed.

The next time I had the opportunity, I went to a self-checkout. I prefer human cashiers unless I’m buying something embarrassing like the M&Ms to share. I probably feel guilty, but I always feel like the cashier knows I don’t plan on sharing.

I didn’t buy any M&Ms, but I wanted to practice being respectful to the voice. On the rare occasions I used the self-checkout, I found the voices helpful, but I never thanked them for it. This time, I decided to make a point of doing that.

I followed the voice’s instructions step by step, including pressing the “Use my own bag” button. Then I placed it in the packing area and tried to scan my first item. The voice said, “There is an unknown item in the packing area.”

I said gently, “This is my bag, darling. You remember.”

The voice said, “Please remove the item from the packaging area.”

I repeated, not so gently, “This is my bag.” But she still wouldn’t let me scan my first item.

“Now you’re just being unreasonable,” I said irritably.

I stuffed my bag into my purse and tried again. This time the voice had me scan my groceries. I was annoyed, but to my credit, when she reminded me to take my receipt, I thanked her anyway. I think I said, “Thanks for nothing.”

Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications throughout the West and Midwest. You can subscribe to her blog at www.dorothyrosby.com or contact her at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.