Love life: I know he has a wife and kids in Nigeria

love life is a weekly series by Zikoko about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What is your earliest memory of each other?

Teju: We met at work when I had just arrived in the States in September 2019. We are both nurses in a government hospital. She and another Nigerian were the only Africans at the time. She had been here almost two years before me. So she took me under her wing and helped me navigate and survive in the new environment.

Malin: I liked him immediately because I have a thing for Nigerian men. But we started out platonic. I was happily married since I was 23.

We started working closely together for hours at a time, so we started talking and sharing stories about our lives. From day one, we both knew the other was married. I would say loneliness brought us together.

How did you both end up in the USA without your partners?

Malin: We had planned to move together very early in our relationship before we got married. But I got my master’s visa and he didn’t. They kept refusing him one, so he’s still in Dar es Salaam. Now he’s working on Canada. Once that works out, we’ll figure out how to get together… if we still want to.

Teju: I didn’t come by the easiest route, so I couldn’t bring my family – my wife and two children – with me. I was supposed to arrange everything and have it done later. But it’s getting more and more expensive to plan that. And I’m no longer in a hurry.

Why not?

Teju: This will get me in trouble.

I’m just comfortable the way things are now. I love being with Malin. When I left Nigeria, the relationship between me and my wife had become dry. I admit we were close to breaking up, but we were not the most passionate couple.

Malin: For me, the fact that he has not had his visa approved for so long is a red flag. I am tired of waiting and holding on to this hope.

Do they know you are together?

Malin: No. Why would I want to start such a drama?

Teju: I thought about telling my wife, but I think that would be cruel. I know she wouldn’t understand. It would just break her.

Let’s go back a bit. How did this relationship come about?

Teju: We went from working closely together to helping me find better accommodation, finding the subway and my commute. That first month we were always together – at work, on the road, at home. She also helped me plan my meals. In between all of this, love happened.

Malin: Like I said, I was lonely. And it helped that he wasn’t a creep. I met a decent, personable Nigerian when I was at my lowest point and it felt good to help him. I knew that staying around him for so long and being so accessible would lead to something else, but I couldn’t help myself.

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What happened next?

Teju: COVID came, and because we were essential workers, we worked even longer hours, wore personal protective equipment, and were out and about while everyone else was stuck at home. That was the height of our friendship. We were just constantly exhausted and cracking jokes with our other coworkers. Most nights we slept at the hospital.

In October 2020, the lease on my apartment was up and somehow we started talking about living together so we could pool money and afford a decent one-bedroom apartment.

Malin: We ended up getting a three-bedroom apartment with a third girl I knew from my previous building. That’s when we technically moved in together. That’s also when we started sleeping together. He spent most nights in my room.

Did your spouse know that you had roommates of the opposite sex?

Teju: My wife found out.

I was supposed to live with my aunt when I moved here. Malin convinced me that I could get a cheap apartment closer to where we work and I was so happy that I didn’t have to live with a relative at my age.

My aunt finally came to visit when I moved into the new apartment. She met Malin but didn’t say anything. Next, my wife brought it up on one of our video calls. My aunt had called to tell her. She wasn’t happy at all, but I assured her that she didn’t have to worry.

Malin: My husband knew at the time that we were roommates. He didn’t think much of it. Maybe because there was another girl with us. But he doesn’t know that we have a small house on a mortgage and that we moved in together.

When did that happen?

Malin: In July 2021, and we have been living there together since then. Our relationship improved after that. We started talking about plans and finances because we wanted to move our lives forward.

Teju: We were in one place for too long and were struggling to reconnect with our partners. We were ready to move on, at least in our careers and personal development. We took courses to get promotions and so on.

Malin: Most of his money goes to the education of his children in Nigeria. I’m glad he does that, but it’s also a constant reminder of his external obligations and what that means for our future.

Have you talked about the future yet?

Teju: Not much.

But a few months after we moved in, one of our colleagues suggested we form a marriage-like partnership to gain certain benefits, so we did.

Malin: To all our friends and colleagues and the state of Texas: We are married.

And your actual spouses have no idea?

Teju: They don’t. I talk to my wife once a week and I still send her money. We’re also still saving so they can join me here. We decided the best thing for me to do is get a PR and then invite them.

Since Malin and I are married, it might not work out. She doesn’t know that. We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

Malin: I don’t think my husband suspects anything. He’s still hyper-focused on Canada. That’s all we’re talking about now. He’s working toward moving in 2025. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for him.

We try not to talk too much about our marriage because I think we’re both trying not to cause sadness and regret.

So what happens when they finally leave Africa?

Malin: I do not know that yet.

I love Teju, but I confided in him that I might still have feelings for my husband. He was the love of my life before the unfortunate separation. And Teju has to take care of his children.

Teju: I don’t think that will happen anytime soon. I think Malin and I will stay together until then. We are a good team and I can’t imagine managing life in this country with anyone else.

How did you manage to build a functioning relationship despite infidelity?

Teju: Ahh. We don’t think of it that way. We just did the best we could under the circumstances life presented us with.

Malin: Our relationship works because we don’t focus on guilt and regret. It’s about supporting each other in this lonely world.

Since we also work together, it is much easier to have someone with whom you can do everything together.

You give the term “work partner” a whole new meaning

Malin: Yes. I guess you could call us working partners who take the name seriously.

Actually, I don’t feel like I’m cheating. My husband and I can’t be together and I should just put my life on hold?

Teju: The only thing that makes me sad is that my family would have been here much sooner if I hadn’t met Malin. There are some things we could have done already if I had been much happier that they were here.

Malin: Yes, it is hard because if his children were here, we would not have to spend so much on school fees.

Can you imagine continuing to send money home as long as the money is there?

Teju: Yes. One thing I will never do is neglect my responsibilities as a father. My father was an absent father and I feel bad enough about doing that to my children.

Malin: That’s the only thing that causes tension in our relationship. His children are perhaps the only people he loves more than me.

And how do you feel about that, Malin?

Malin: Sometimes it seems like a burden that I didn’t expect. But I know that it’s insensitive to say that under the circumstances.

Teju: Yes, there is no way around it.

Have you ever thought about having children of your own?

Malin: I’m not sure yet if I want to do this with him.

Teju: We decided that we would wait until we found out what was going on with people back home. But it’s not completely off the table. At least not for me.

Malin: It’s going to be a big step. I don’t want a baby to cause too much drama. We could be discovered at any moment. It’s both exciting and terrifying.

Discovered by your spouse?

Malin: Yes.

Have there been any major fights?

Teju: Not really.

Malin: We argue a lot about a lot of things. But it’s always relaxed. I don’t think we’ve ever been really angry with each other.

Teju: We’re at work almost all the time anyway. There’s not much time for fighting in between sex and sleep.

Sweet. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Malin: 9. We just understand each other and the way we support each other in his rights and wrongs without judgment is so precious. The uncertainty makes things exciting too but I know we are not in paradise and anything can go wrong at any time.

Teju: I would say 9 too. I love being with her. I love spending my life in the States with her. She has helped me achieve much more than I could have ever imagined.

The 1 probably represents the fact that she still loves her husband and I still love my children.

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