My daughter, who had a miscarriage at 14 weeks, taught me that every person has value and purpose

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the guest author.

King Leonidas was in his sixties when he led his 300 Spartans into battle at the gates of Thermopolye. Susan Boyle was 48 when she began her singing career. Audie Murphy was 19 when he single-handedly held off an entire company of German soldiers and was awarded the Medal of Honor. Tiger Woods was two when he started playing golf.

Age is a funny thing. Each stage of our lives is unique, offering fresh and often surprisingly different perspectives. And yet we are still us. We can remember thoughts we had as toddlers, plans we made as teenagers, ideas that have shaped us into who we are for as long as we can remember – and if we have parents who wrote down stories, even earlier.

Negotiating with God

At 30, I felt old for the first time. I had to dig a grave for my miscarried daughter, Avery, who was 14 weeks and 3 days old when she died of unknown causes. Usually, no one can tell you why, and you wonder if you did something wrong, if you shouldn’t have taken your wife to that restaurant, if you should have insisted that she get more rest, or if you could have contributed more in some way – but there is no answer, because it’s just something that happens in about 10% of all pregnancies.

So there I was, digging with an auger into the hard, almost frozen earth, and suddenly it was as if the weight of every single year of my life was on my shoulders. It was hard to watch my wife grieve. It must have been even harder for her, having carried our daughter for so long. The sobs of a mother who has lost a child are hard to describe, and there are no words to make it better – only arms to hold, shoulders to cry on.

We had two other children at the time and they are best friends. They bring so much joy to our lives and it is especially heartwarming to see how they have gotten along as partners in crime, companions and teammates. Avery was supposed to be the third member of the gang but it seems that didn’t work out.

I remember after I got over denial, I tried to negotiate with God. I had never really denied before – “No, that midwife with 15 years of experience doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I saw her on the ultrasound. The baby is fine.” And afterward, I don’t think I ever really got to the “negotiation stage.” But when I did, I seriously told God that if my daughter could survive, I would give up all my dreams, all my creative, professional, and financial aspirations. I meant it.

As it turned out, God did not agree with this deal and we went through the grief together.

She looked like me

My wife lost our baby naturally, so we were able to see her body at the funeral home before bringing her home for burial. She was 14 weeks and 3 days – just shy of the 15th week of the “abortion bans” that so many people are upset about. I mention her age here because when I held my daughter in my arms, I could see that she looked like me.

On her mother’s side, she had the slightly upturned nose that all of our children have in ultrasound images – and that is missing from other friends’ children that I have seen. And she had long legs that were so similar in shape to mine that my wife gasped and immediately pointed out the resemblance.

On my side of the family, we’ve been crossing our legs for generations, even as young children and babies. As the story goes, I crossed my legs in the car seat on the ride home from the hospital (and so did my two oldest children). My grandfather did it, my father did it, I did it – and when Avery died and her position was frozen in place, it was obvious that she had crossed her legs, too.

I had long been a passionate advocate of the right to life, but this experience made it deeply personal. Even since roe was repealed, abortion of children my daughter’s age is still legal in many states in the USA.

I bet they look like their mothers and fathers too.



Birth does not make us human

There is nothing magical about the moment of birth that gives a child personality and rights. Children have human rights from the moment they are human. They are just as much a clump of cells as you or I are. A fetus has its own genetic code, blood type, and body. To a pregnant woman, it is not “my body,” and we all know that. It is a human child who will grow, mature, and develop unhindered into a unique and irreplaceable individual. “Fetus” is not another species, but just a stage of human development, like “newborn,” “toddler,” “teenager,” “middle-aged,” or “elderly.”

Abortion advocates often say nonsense like, “You pro-lifers don’t really care about babies. If you did, you’d want a *list of entitlement programs and controversial policy goals*. Until that happens, it would be irresponsible to end abortion!”

This flawed argument paints the abortion advocate as the compassionate advocate, as opposed to those who plead to spare the innocent blood of children. Why can’t we flip the narrative? Someone who claims to care about education, healthcare, social security, etc., can’t possibly be interested in human rights or human flourishing if they don’t even want to protect the children who are aborted long enough for them to see their education, healthcare, and the rest of it.

There is a lot of misinformation. A lot of guilt and shame disguised as violence. But the point is: We as a society have made a terrible mistake and it is our responsibility to make amends, whatever the cost.

A people that detaches its personality from a particular group of people is on the road to disintegration, war, poverty and collapse. Just ask Germany in WWII or the USSR. I could go through the rest of the arguments here, but they are not difficult.

And as I debate online, the old slogans are losing their relevance and I hear abortion advocates resorting to phrases like, “It doesn’t matter if it’s murder” or “So what if it’s a living human being?” Or my personal favorite from a now infamous Twitter thread: “Miscarriages are not mourned.”

Well, I mourned mine.

Every person is valuable and has a purpose

But we don’t have to live in a culture that becomes so hardened and callous. We can feel grace for one another without resorting to moral equivalence. Pro-abortion rhetoric is immoral—but the people who use that rhetoric are intrinsically valuable and, like all people, bear the divine image within them.

So let our compassion, forgiveness and abundance absorb the lies, the hurt and the dark intercession, like an iron welder who patiently endures the beatings of his three-year-old daughter before calmly placing her on his lap and explaining to her that we don’t behave like that. We don’t have to yell at each other, but we do have to be firm.

No, you should not abort your child, even if you are in a difficult situation. Yes, it makes the rest of society responsible. The growing number of free crisis pregnancy clinics is an encouraging sign that this need can be met. Each of these women has a wonderful purpose – even and especially in the phases of creating new life.

Every “unwanted” or “difficult” unborn child also has a purpose.

We are all human beings. We all have value and dignity. Let’s stop with the nonsense that abortion is a hopeless issue. Let’s have the determination to talk about it, to find common ground, to act strategically and to create a culture of life step by step. Dobbs Cancel decision roe was a great victory – but the fight is not over yet and we must not let up.

You know, my daughter Avery didn’t live to see her birthday, but she too had a destiny.

She helped her father overcome the fears that drove many of his ambitions. She helped him see the things that matter most. She helped me strengthen my resolve to do whatever I can to help others who have choices we didn’t.

We couldn’t save Avery. But when it comes to the thousands of women experiencing crisis pregnancies, their friends, family and community can help.

The Justice Department put a pro-life activist in prison for protesting the killing of unborn children. Please take 30 seconds to tell Congress: STOP THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FROM TARGETTING AMERICANS WHO CHOOSE TO LIFE.