When should you say “I love you”?

“Love your neighbour – and if he happens to be tall, sophisticated and gorgeous, it will be all the easier.” —Mae West

Saying “I love you” usually means expressing a genuine and deep declaration of love. But what is the best way to express it?

Confess your love

“I just called to tell you that I love youAnd I mean it from the bottom of my heart.” -Stevie Wonder

Religions and moral attitudes praise love. However, a romantic declaration of love should be limited to the appropriate circumstances. For this reason, we are commanded to love our neighbor, but not to fall in love with our neighbor’s wife. In romantic relationships, where the desire to love and be loved is central, expressing one’s love is highly encouraged. The profession of love that signals a future commitment can be expressed verbally, but even more so through actual behavior, for actions speak louder than words.

A big problem with the statement “I love you” is timed coordinationespecially whether it is too early: if enough time has not been given for deep love to develop, it can be confused with intense lust. Love develops at different rates in different people; therefore, your partner may not be able to return your love. Another consideration is the insinceritywhen people use a declaration of love to gain other, especially sexual, benefits (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019, and here).

The constitutive role of time in romantic love is expressed in two important sexual cooling behaviors: “playing hard to get” and the “in due time” strategy. The first assumes that perceiving a person as hard to get fans the flames of sexual desire and love. The need to invest more time (and other resources) is a good measure of sincerity and seriousness. The “in due time” strategy does not necessarily doubt the lover’s sincerity, but rather assumes that time is essential to nurture love and establish mutual suitability. In both cases, love must be “earned” and “proven” by investing time (see here).

When is the best time to say “I love you” in a new relationship?

“As you gradually build the connection, the words ‘I love you‘ feel natural and the timing Is optimal.” —Renée Wade

Here are some answers (from Reddit) to the question: “When is an ‘acceptable’ time to say ‘I love you’?”

“The best time to tell someone is when it best expresses your feelings. There is no right time. It is better to say it sooner than later.” —A man

“Say it if you mean it and feel it.” – A woman

“I told the guy I loved him after two weeks of dating and he actually said it back. We’ve been together for six years and we’re still totally in love with him.” – A woman

“I proposed to a girl after 2 weeks. I haven’t seen her since.” – A man

“I realized pretty quickly that I was in love with my current boyfriend, but I didn’t want to say it ‘too soon’ in case it was just lust in disguise. We ended up waiting nine months; it turned out he was just afraid to say it too.” —A woman

“I would want to say it as soon as I really feel it. In this case, 2.5 months was totally fine. I think that was really enough time to fall in love with someone.” – A woman

These reactions show the importance of expressing your love when you really feel it. In these circumstances, saying it sooner is less dangerous than saying it later. Even if your partner doesn’t feel the same way yet, they might say something like, “I’m just not ready yet,” or simply “Love you,” which is less profound than “I love you.” Another possible reaction could be, “I’m falling in love with you,” which sets the direction you’re going and sets expectations. Although both men and women agree that non-reciprocal reactions are hurtful, they say they would most likely say “I love you” anyway (Blomquist & Giuliano, 2012). Another interesting finding is that non-native speakers say “I love you” more often in English than in their native language. This code-switching occurs especially in situations where topics are emotionally charged in the first language and become more accessible in a second language (Wilkins & Gareis, 2006).

Here are some common circumstances in which you should typically do the following: not Say “I love you”: Too early in a relationship; when you are very emotional and unable to think rationally; when you are repeating it only out of politeness; when you want to fill silences or avoid awkwardness; when you expect something in return; before, after or during sex; when you are not yet ready for a serious commitment; when there is nothing else to do.

There are also gender differences. Men are more likely to confess their love than women and are also more pleased than women to receive declarations of love from their partner (Ackerman et al., 2011). According to one survey, it takes men an average of 88 days to confess their love to their partner, while it takes women 134 days. In addition, 39% of men say “I love you” within the first month of a relationship, compared to only 23% of women. Another study found that men are more likely than women to confess their love in various countries. By not being the first, women avoid the higher costs of potentially poor partner choice by setting a relatively higher threshold than men. However, no association was found between initial declarations of love and emotional responses to them (Watkins et al., 2022).

Not surprisingly, saying “I want to have sex with you” is more problematic than saying “I love you.” The former can be perceived as a sign of a lack of romance. Moreover, unlike a declaration of love, sex requires consent and reciprocity; accordingly, expressing one’s desire for sex can be offensive. Therefore, “I want to have sex with you” is often not said directly, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

When is the best time to say “I love you” in existing relationships?

A woman complains to her husband, “Why don’t you ever say you love me?!” The man replies: “But I told you before. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”” —A famous joke

In existing relationships, timing is less important than it was at the beginning of the relationship. Timing is crucial for romantic intensity at the beginning of the relationship, whereas time, which is crucial for romantic depth, is more important in existing relationships, where duration is crucial for developing romantic depth and frequency is crucial for rekindling romantic intensity. Richard Wilkins and Elisabeth Gareis claim that women in existing relationships want to hear expressions of love from their partners as often as possible. However, “men believe that love should be treated preciously, so they don’t say it often. If men don’t say it, women may think their lover doesn’t love them anymore.” However, married couples express their love less verbally than young couples do (Wilkins & Gareis, 2006).

In summary, if partners are truly in love with each other, there is no right or wrong time to say “I love you,” although that doesn’t mean you should say it endlessly. Too much of a good thing can render it meaningless. It is usually inappropriate to say “I love you” in two key cases: (a) when it is said too early in the relationship, so the loving attitude cannot be deepened over time, and (b) when you do not feel the same way and are using it for other purposes, such as sexual benefits. In general, mutual disclosure is an indicator of healthy relationship outcomes such as closeness, satisfaction, and trust (Willems et al., 2020). Regardless, confessing your love too early is less problematic than confessing it too late. And you can always The Partridge Family and shouted: “I think I love you.”

References