Fire my shot? | Love letters

We’ve received a lot of letters from people who have secret crushes on their friends. They’re all afraid of ruining the friendship, losing the person they love, or taking what they have in the wrong direction.

I keep telling them to come clean – because once the feelings are there and a person is thinking about the possibility of love (or sex), the whole timethe relationship is different anyway.

In your case, I’m wondering: Would it be better to keep this crush to yourself and mourn your boyfriend while you watch him move on with his life, perhaps dating other people, not knowing that you have feelings for him? Or would it be easier to tell him that you have feelings for him, ask him if he might want to do something about it, and get some answers before things get too big and important?

It sounds like you could get over rejection now—like you could start over if he told you he didn’t want anything anymore. But in another five years? That might be harder, especially if you’ve been waiting for a sign that he returns your feelings.

I have to say, when I look back on my own undisclosed crushes that I had in my twenties, I wish I had spoken about them. But I also understand that in some cases, fallen the unrequited, silent longing. I think I kept quiet because I wasn’t ready for more. So I ask myself: Are you too?

I’d love to hear from commenters if they’ve ever told someone how they feel… and then regretted it. Usually people tell me that even if it went badly, it was a good restart for a relationship that needed to change anyway. But I’d love to hear stories about what happened after telling someone you missed them. And do you have any advice on what to say?

– Meredith

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