I am lonely, working from home and looking for love, friendship

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You always discouraged mixing personal life with work, although I’m not sure why. And now I’ve read that the generation entering the workforce agrees with you and isn’t particularly interested in having work friends. Hey, I miss my office friends now that we work from home! I’ve also met women at work. I met my ex-wife at a previous job. (Sure, we all know you’re not supposed to date in the office, but we all do it.) I like my job, but the bosses don’t have a problem with people only coming in once or twice a week, so when people do come in, they have to spend the time looking like they’re really working, if you know what I mean, and not being as friendly as they used to be. Honestly, I’m lonely a lot, and I bet I’m not the only one. I’ve tried going to cafes where people work during the day, but they’re all banging away on their laptops or chatting on the phone. I can’t just barge in and make acquaintances. What do you suggest? I’m sick of having only virtual “friends” who probably aren’t even who they say they are.

DEAR READER: And what about the work friends you miss? Don’t you see them after work? And if not, were they really friends? Or just pleasant colleagues? Yes, real friendships sometimes form at work. Miss Manners warned to conduct a test: would they still be your friends if you were fired? Or in your case: if they didn’t see you for granted, would they make an effort to see you? Even without the pandemic, a response to the prevailing pattern of “all work, no play” would have been due. Or, better said, “just work and work-related pleasure.” Work, including after-work meetings and retreats, was supposed to be more important than personal obligations and commitments. People felt defined by their work and defined each other by it, with family- or child-related work being the least rewarded. At the same time, society’s social structures fell out of use. Wives whose husbands had been breadwinners entered the workforce themselves and no longer had time for the social, civic and religious activities that brought people together. Companies tried to use this to their advantage by organizing after-work drinks and get-togethers to foster a pseudo-social atmosphere among employees. But the pandemic made many people realize that they might prefer to spend their time with the people they chose for themselves—such as their families—rather than with the people their employers just hired. But you enjoyed such contacts and found them a source of friendship. Now that that opportunity has been taken away from you, you are on your own. Miss Manners can only console you that such work patterns were so common that there must be others in your situation. Start with these work friends, take the initiative to organize informal meetings, and encourage them to bring others along.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to your email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)