Have you checked out Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest relationship advice?
It will come as no surprise to you that this is not the case for me.
Would you like to?
Um…
It is intended to find out whether a man has what it takes to be a husband or not.
What if Paltrow tells me I picked a flop?
There’s only one way to find out. Question one: Is he your best friend?
No, that’s Janice.
Gwyneth with husband Brad Falchuk
OK, but is he at the top of the list?
If you don’t count the choir, the reading group, the yoga class, the woman in the crochet club on Tuesday night, the nice girl at the checkout at Co-op and…
Let’s move on. Does it calm your nervous system?
Not when it interacts with the dishwasher.
Do you always think he’s the smartest guy in the room?
I refer to my previous answer.
Is there chemistry between you two?
I’m not bringing him out with hives, if that’s what you mean.
Does he like oysters?
These give him hives. Next question?
That’s it.
Well, it’s certainly an exhaustive assessment. Did Gwyneth use it to find her latest husband, Brad Falchuk?
There is nothing about this in the Instagram Q&A where she recently shared this advice.
Is she doing marriage counseling now? I thought the Goop boss was talking about “orifices I’ve had steam cleaned.”
She goes there too, but her fans really love the relationship stuff.
What do you say?
“To me, that’s Moses coming down from Mount Sinai with those stone tablets,” raved one follower (in a tweet that received 8,400 likes). “The angel told Mary that,” said another.
Unfortunately, this theological question remains unanswered.
What theological question is this?
How do you know if a man is ideal marriage material? Gwyneth says he must like oysters
Whether Joseph knew about oysters before his meeting Mary.
I’ll tell you who knows about oysters: Richard “Hamster” Hammond.
Excuse me?
For example, whether there are any in the Hammond family’s refrigerator.
Are you telling me that big tour Presenter also believes he has the key to relationship happiness – but is his based on perishable foods?
Exactly! “It’s not about treating yourself to a night in a hotel,” Hammond, 54, recently explained in a telegraph Interview.
Tell…
“It’s about going to the supermarket. Stay connected on that level, know what’s in the fridge, know what cleaning products you use in the house.”
Is Richard Hammond keeping the dream alive with Cillit Bang?
The test, now known as the “hamster test,” has kept Hammond’s marriage on track for 22 years.
And what does his wife Mindy have to say about it?
Nothing.
Maybe she’s waiting for him to stop being crazy about Domestos and spend a night with her in a hotel.
One telegraph A reader named “Scribbler Zen” thought he could use Hammond’s advice as inspiration for pick-up lines.
Keep going…
“OK, I’m old and fat, but I know what’s in my fridge.”
Good luck, Mr. Zen.
In fact, Hammond is not the only celebrity to extol the virtues of family compatibility when choosing a partner.
Who else is there?
Bridgerton Actress Claudia Jessie (who plays Eloise) shared her wisdom while promoting the latest season of the sassy regency drama.
I thought the criteria for finding love Bridgerton-Style was: “Can I do this in a shod carriage without the grooms noticing?”
Well, in this respect, Jessie says, life does not imitate art: “You will spend most of your life doing domestic things, and that’s really not sexy.”
She is not wrong.
“But it’s… an important part of life,” she added for the womanizers who still refused to know the contents of the cupboard under the sink.
Pass on the Domestos.
