The ’70s gave us some great music: The Eagles, Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, Pink Floyd and the Stones in their heyday. But there’s no denying that there was also some irredeemable crap, especially on AM radio. As if Watergate, shag carpets and the sheer volume of polyester clothing weren’t bad enough, we also had to contend with terrible songs like “The Streak.”
But the following songs make the above sound like it was written by Mozart. Ladies and gentlemen, we present ten of the worst songs of the 70s.
LET ‘EM IN/John Travolta (1976)
In the great tradition of other television stars, Travolta owes his popularity to his character “Vinnie Barbarino” Welcome back, Kotter, and tried a singing career. The most amazing thing is that this track is from his SECOND album. Yes, folks, he made two; this song reached number 10. Two years later, his, er, “vocal skills” appeared again in the monster hit film, Fat.
MIXED BREED/ Cher (1973)
Cher has had several songs in which she lamented her status as an outsider (like “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”), and this song falls right into that category. A video about the popular The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour had her made up as a glittery Cherokee squaw by designer Bob Mackie. It’s weird from start to finish, and she rarely performs it anymore. But the track does boast studio backing from the Wrecking Crew, so that’s something.
SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH/ Dan Hill (1977)
With his lush beard and candid vulnerability, Dan Hill was either an avatar of the ’70s self-help movement or a cult. The highly sensitive singer/songwriter wrote this song about a two-month relationship with a woman whose feelings didn’t quite match his own. Years later, in interviews about the tortured song, he still gets emotional when he tells the story.
Despite it.
BILLY, DON’T BE A HERO/Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods (1974)
This impassioned plea for a young soldier to “keep your head down” was originally recorded by the British group Paper Lace. The Ohio group Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods won a gold record for the story of a woman begging her lover to stay safe during an unnamed war. The author suspects that a sniper took Billy down because he could not take another note.
(YOU) GET MY BABY/Paul Anka (1974)
OK, on paper, it’s a nice gesture to write a song in honor of the mother of your four daughters, especially when it hits number one. But years later, the “foreign factor” is still there; many women then (and now) found it thoroughly condescending (you think?!).
FEELINGS/Morris Albert (1975)
Brazilian singer Morris Albert really went for the Deeply Vulnerable thing with this track, repeating the word “feelings” 23 times. The mocking chorus “whoa, whoa, whoas” is meant to express his inability to get the memories of a lost love out of his head. May we suggest some ayahuasca followed by electroshock therapy?
YOU BRING LIGHT INTO MY LIFE / Debby Boone (1977)
Her father, Pat, was famous for sugarcoating early rock hits like Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti.” Debby kept the family’s spirits squeaky clean with this song, which was written as the theme to a forgettable movie of the same name. The song won a Grammy as the biggest hit of 1977, but listeners beware: The sustained sugar content can send anyone into a diabetic coma in no time.
SEASONS IN THE SUN/Terry Jacks (1974)
The song was first recorded in France in 1961, but singer Terry Jacks found the original version too dark (that’s what it says in French), so he changed the lyrics to describe a childhood friend who was dying of leukemia at the time. In 1970, the Beach Boys tried their hand at the song, but even they rejected it because they were too weak.
AFTERNOON PLEASURE/Starland Vocal Band (1976)
The two couples that made up the group were so damn wholesome and sweet; they even worked with John Denver. With their beautiful harmonies, it was easy to miss that they were singing about a hot midday fuck session on this track. Would it have reached #1 if, say, Prince had sung it? Scratch that: The Purple One wouldn’t have touched it with another man’s tongs.
MUSKRAT LOVE/Captain and Tennille (1976)
It’s another ’70s song about sex, only this number 4 hit is about two semi-aquatic rodents doing it. If that’s not weird enough, consider that before “Ventura Highway” and “Tin Man,” America was an even earlier Version. And as for songwriter Willis Allan Ramsey, check his browser history.
OK, because the ’70s were so ’70s, it’s obvious that we missed some truly terrible tracks. Which one should be on the list? Let us know in the comments!
-Cindy Grogan
Photo: The Captain and Tennille, ’76 (public domain)
