Question for Eric: Self-published author struggles with jealousy

A friend just told me that she won’t try a new author unless they have thousands of good reviews on Amazon or Goodreads. My last book got about 20 good reviews after weeks of trying. How do I continue? How can I redirect my thoughts when jealousy/despair hits me?

Author: I’m afraid you measure your achievements by the standards of others. You’ve published a book. That was your goal at some point in the past, so you’ve already achieved one standard of success. Of course, we all dream of recognition, but these dreams are rarely the right size. Do you want to be a famous author, or do you want to be an author who reaches readers who appreciate you?

This is a profession where envy lurks around every corner, but the success of others doesn’t diminish us. You’re not competing with other writers, but with your own expectations. Ask yourself: If you got thousands of reviews, would that be enough? You’re already enough, so let’s reframe your goals so you feel that way more often.

Your friend has the right to her own selection process, but thousands of reviews is an unrealistic number. To reach that number, any author, even the Emily Henrys and John Grishams, needs the support of dozens if not hundreds of people at major publishing houses. In the meantime, you’ve worked your ass off and gotten those 20 reviews yourself. That’s great!

If there’s a writer whose career you’d like to emulate, reach out to them to find out how they got to where they are now. But make sure the comparison helps you. As writer Freddie DeBoer pointed out in a recent edition of his Substack newsletter titled “Publishing Is Designed to Make Most Writers Feel Like Losers, Even If the Industry Makes Money,” “Writing is also a deeply personal endeavor, and so rejection by the various apparatchiks who decide who belongs and who doesn’t can feel particularly cruel.” Think carefully about whose recognition you want (hopefully your own) and what you want to accomplish. Remember that the writers you’re seeing may have different goals than you, and probably feel the old jealousy, too.

Finally, it’s important to build relationships with independent booksellers and librarians. Get to know the ones in your area. Even if you only publish e-books, these professionals can help you understand the decision-making processes that lead readers to books and ultimately to those online review sites.

Dear Eric: I’m in my mid-60s. Sometimes when I meet people I haven’t seen for a long time, for example from my time at university, I hear: “You haven’t changed a bit.” Back then, I had shoulder-length hair. Now I’m bald and what hair I have left is cut very short. How do I react to such nonsense and keep a good attitude towards them?

— Hair yesterday, gone today

Hair: I understand your feelings as a member of the bald club (it’s cheaper! It’s cooler! But oh, the sunburns!). Still, you should take the compliment for what it’s meant. Of course, you’ve changed physically, but maybe your energy is the same. Or maybe they just find it flattering. If the mood is right, say, “Oh, I’ve changed – I’ve gotten even better.”

Dear Eric: My partner (husband) and I have been together for 18 years. My sister-in-law created a “family tree” and gave copies to all family members. Upon closer inspection, my “husband” has been removed from the tree, indicating that I am single. My sister-in-law and her family do not believe in gay marriage. What should I do about this insult?

Wedding: It’s a good thing that the existence of your relationship doesn’t depend on what your sister-in-law doesn’t believe in. Long-term relationships aren’t Santa or the Easter Bunny, they mostly consist of taking out the trash and sending each other things to pick up at the grocery store. (They’re also emotional support and caring and commitment and all that good stuff.) I’m sure you’ve had that banging-your-head-against-the-wall conversation with your sister-in-law before, but you should voice your displeasure about the tree to set an expectation about the respect you want. Once you’ve made your mind known, throw the “gift” in the trash, order your own real tree, and gift it to your family.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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