This post idea has been on my list of things to write about for many months now, and I’m not sure it makes sense to anyone but me, but I need to get it out of my brain, and so here we are.
While I’m happy with my taste in books—eclectic, quirky, queer—I have much more trouble determining my taste in music. I’m at the mercy of algorithms when it comes to discovering new artists; I tend to listen to the same songs over and over again. As a certified word person, a catchy beat can draw me into a song, but my favorites tend to be ones where the lyrics intrigue me.
I often get lyrics stuck in my head: not the whole song, just a line. So I thought it would be fun to combine the lyrics that are currently playing in my mental jukebox with books that fit the mood. Because I’m me, these are all lesbian books, but not all of the songs are queer.
I fear this exercise may reveal too much about my inner life, but I’m going to get ahead of myself and here are five song lyrics that are currently on my mind and the lesbian books I recommend to go with them.
“We’re all going to die trying to figure it out.” – Joy Oladokun & Noah Kahan, “We’re All Gonna Die”
Cash Delgado is living his dream by Tehlor Kay Mejia
Why this lyric stuck in my brain: A common theme in my lyrics is existentialism or nihilism, especially in pop music. See also Baby Queen, “We Can Be Anything.” I like this somewhat optimistic view that there is no grand plan: we are all lost and trying to find ourselves, and we will never finish that task.
Why I chose this book: Cash Delgado is completely unaware of her queerness, even as she has sex dreams about her best friend every night. What stops her from realizing she’s a lesbian is the fact that she’s sure she would have realized it much sooner if it were true, especially because she’s been surrounded by queer people since she was young. This lyric is a good reminder that we never fully figure ourselves out and will continue to discover new things about ourselves throughout our lives.
“We could go to hell, but we’ll probably be fine.” — Chappell Roan, “Naked in Manhattan”
Light from Unusual Stars by Ryka Aoki
Why this lyric stuck in my brain: As someone who grew up in a queer-tolerant, agnostic home, I find myself clinging to stories of queer religious trauma quite a bit. Maybe it’s a symptom of growing up queer in a society where Christianity is ingrained to begin with. In any case, I like this answer to the threat of eternal damnation for being queer: probably not, and it’s not worth throwing away the joys of being queer. I know it’s a weird choice to pick a Chappell Roan lyric that isn’t from “Good Luck, Babe!”, which is going viral right now, but she has so many great songs.
Why I chose this book: I originally wanted to choose a story about queer religious trauma—there are definitely plenty to choose from—but for some reason this is the first book that came to mind when I was thinking about this text. Last year, I wrote a post for the Deep Dive newsletter called “Writing Ourselves Out: Queer Characters Who Rewrite Their Destinies,” and it was about stories where queer characters seem trapped in an inevitable tragic situation and then find a trapdoor to get out. Light from unusual stars comes up a lot, which is hard to explain without giving too much away, but I really appreciate how the show tackles the darkest sides of life – including racism, sexism, and transphobia – and then avoids the characters’ seemingly inevitable unhappy endings.
I feel odd not choosing a book about homophobia and religion for this, so I’d like to mention that The Lesbiana’s Guide to Catholic School by Sonora Reyes is high on my reading list and seems to be a perfect fit.
“How good it must feel to love nothing.” — Matt Maeson, “Twisted Tongue”
Hero Worship of Rebekah Matthews
Why this lyric stuck in my brain: I discovered this in an incredibly nerdy way: I was watching an interview with Liam O’Brien about his D&D character Caleb Widogast, and he mentioned that this song fits the character. It fits this character and his arc so well. Caleb has tried to isolate himself to avoid getting hurt, and over the course of Mighty Nein’s Critical Role campaign, he slowly opens up to other people again. I’m someone who is open and vulnerable with other people, so this line is a great summary of how sometimes it can feel like total isolation is a relief, freed from other people’s expectations and complications—but it’s a fantasy that can never truly be achieved, nor should it be.
Why I chose this book: This is probably the book that made me feel the most uncomfortably “seen” while reading. The main character writes letters to her ex-girlfriend, desperately pining for her even as she wonders if her ex ever really liked her. I kept having to close the book and pause because it felt like I was seeing the part of myself that I try the most to hide – the most embarrassing, needy element of my personality. I think Valerie would also identify with this lyric about how sometimes it’s a relief not to love anyone. It looks like it’s out of print, but the ebook was recently available, so hopefully it will be back in stock soon.
“Maybe I’ll never be the person I wanted to give everything to.” – Tiger Really, “Dry Heave”
A Scattering of Light by Malinda Lo
Why this lyric stuck in my brain: When I think about it, it’s very similar to the first lyric I included in this post. It’s a reminder that nothing is guaranteed and we may not achieve our dreams or improve ourselves as much as we want. Maybe it’s the catchy beat, but I see an unspoken “And that’s okay” at the end. Life is messy. We have to be able to adapt and accept ourselves, even if we want more.
Why I chose this book: Aria begins this book with a complete change of plans. Topless photos of her have been posted online without her consent, and now she’s spending the summer after graduation at her grandmother’s house, away from everyone she knows. There, she falls in love with Steph, who is already in a relationship. This is a story about things not going according to plan: this isn’t the summer she wanted, she didn’t think she was queer, and Steph isn’t the perfect first love. It’s a book about not getting what you want—and that that’s OK, really.
“With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay. You said, ‘Hey man, I love you, but no way.'” – The Front Bottoms, “Twin Size Mattress”
The Stars and the Blackness Between Them by Junauda Petrus
Why this lyric stuck in my brain: I find the lyrics of this song pretty incomprehensible, so I’m making up my own meaning. It goes on to say, “I’m sure we can find something you can do on stage / Maybe shake a tambourine, or if I sing, you sing harmonies.” It reminds me of the friends and partners I’ve had who had problems and who I wanted so much to “save,” but there comes a point where you can’t control another person, especially if it requires sacrificing parts of yourself. They don’t want to shake a tambourine on stage at your show; they want to have their own lives.
Why I chose this book: I couldn’t really find a perfect match for this dynamic – if anyone has any recommendations, I’d love to hear them! Instead, I thought of this book, where Audre and Mabel support each other through really difficult times in their lives. Audre was sent away from her home in Trinidad after she was caught with her girlfriend, and now she’s living with a father she doesn’t know in Minneapolis. Mabel gets sicker and sicker with no explanation. I won’t give away the ending, but I will say that despite their love and support, one of them can’t stay together.
Well, just as I feared, I think you’ve learned a lot today about how my brain works. Music can be insightful. Let me know in the comments: Which song lyrics are currently stuck in your head and which book fits this mood?
