The Luv Doc: Comparing apples and oranges: bean counters. They are worse than nose pickers. – Columns

Dear Luv Doc,

I’m a well-read mother of two in my 30s, and I’m really trying not to fall into clinical depression at the disturbing thought that the only thing standing between humanity and the apocalypse is a couple of insane, doddering white guys. Reading is the only distraction that keeps me sane these days, and I don’t have enough time for it, or even anyone to talk to about what I’ve read. It’s a mystery, so maybe you can help me solve it: Which is the better book: Harper Lee’s To disturb the nightingale or Alicia Roth Weigels Reverse cowgirl?

– Former comedian

To be truly unbiased when comparing important literary works, it is always best to compare apples with apples, even if one of the apples had the unfortunate fate of having its stem removed as soon as it fell from the tree. I know there are some who might argue that an apple without a stem is an incomplete apple. These people are obviously bean counters, not apple pickers, because any experienced apple picker knows that an apple without a stem is still a whole apple and should be recognized as such, not counted as three-quarters of an apple or priced 30% less than the other apples. Bean counters. They are worse than nose pickers.

A well-read thirty-something like you probably immediately recognized the previous paragraph as a sloppy metaphor used to illustrate the fact that To disturb the nightingaleis, from what one hears, largely autobiographical, but a fictional work. Reverse Cowgirl is… slightly disturbing… autobiographical. It’s a bit like comparing apples and oranges, as they would say in the fruit-picking world, although to be perfectly honest I haven’t been part of the fruit-picking world since I spent a windy day in the mid-eighties standing in the back of a flatbed truck spraying peach trees with pesticides.

When comparing important literary works, it is always best to compare apples to apples.

Yes, that was the case in the ’80s. I could say people didn’t know any better, but I think they did. I certainly did. I threw up in the shower when I got home and decided to do something less toxic for a living. There’s still no consensus on that, by the way, as this column has evolved over the years as I’ve evolved as a person. In the beginning, the level of toxicity was much higher. Thankfully, over the years, I’ve been lucky enough to meet many brave people who have taken the time and energy to point out my stupidity and its impact on others. I know that sounds a bit snarky and disingenuous – especially in this column – but it’s the truth. I’m really grateful for all the people who have pointed out my toxic behavior to me over the years. I’ve always been pretty damn ignorant. Now, at least, I’m a little less damn ignorant.

Back then, the world needed someone like Harper Lee to expose serious social injustices: rape… racism… the senseless murder of water-shy dogs… in a way that was acceptable and understandable to a large portion of the American book and later movie audience. Let’s face it: Lee was richly rewarded. She won a Pulitzer Prize… back when people still knew what that was. G Dub gave her the Medal of Freedom. Nice.

Will Alicia Roth Weigel receive such awards? Who knows? To disturb the nightingale, Reverse Cowgirl deals with issues that many people don’t want to acknowledge, let alone talk about. It challenges built-in biases about gender, bodily autonomy, reproductive rights, and intersex rights in an accessible and non-confrontational way. I’ve only just started it and I’m already learning all kinds of new things. Did you know that there are more intersex people in the world than redheads? More than 150 million worldwide. No one is recommending “corrective” surgery for redheads. I’ll think about that when I’m done. Reverse Cowgirlwhat could be better than To disturb the nightingalebut I haven’t finished it yet. I think America needs this book… and not just because it keeps me from worrying about the crazy guy apocalypse.