I have to move back home, but my friends act like I’m abandoning them

Dear Eric: I am 33 years old and my parents are in their 60s, close to retirement age. They also care for my disabled younger brother full time. They have asked me to move back in with them to help them since I work from home and am the only one of my siblings who is able to do so.

While this has many benefits (like being able to spend more time with my brother, helping my aging parents, saving money instead of paying exorbitant rent in DC, and giving me the opportunity to get ahead financially for the first time in my life), my friends treat this as if I’m moving away forever and essentially ceasing to exist.

I’m afraid they’re right.

How do I communicate to my friends that this kind of isolating language and feelings is disturbing without confirming their assumptions about what this life change means for me?

– Homecoming helpers

Dear helpers, What you are doing is admirable and practical, but it sounds like your friends are too self-absorbed to realize that. I feel bad for their families for helping them, and for you for having to listen to their comments. There is more to life than the glitz and glamour of the District of Columbia, honey!

One tactic is vulnerability – tell your friends, “This is the best option for me. I’m proud of it. When you make comments like that, I think you don’t want me to do what’s best for my family. As a friend, I want you to support me so we can have a relationship in the future.”

Are your friends really a good audience for your vulnerability? My guess is they may not have the emotional maturity for it. A life change like this can be daunting and scary, but it also gives you a chance to reevaluate your priorities. Do you want to maintain friendships with people who don’t see the value in saving money and supporting your family? Maybe there are diamonds in the rough—people who don’t quite get it because they haven’t been asked to make the same decision, but who can still add value to your life. Try a proactive approach. Think about how you want to stay in their lives, and channel any isolating language into a conversation about how you’re doing. all I will work to maintain the friendship when you are gone. Friendships, like any relationship, are not one-sided. Do you want to stay in the group chat? Do you want to come back and visit at certain times of the year? Do you want them to visit you? You can make those requests now and then make a plan together.

This time will change your relationships and unfortunately your friends may show how attached they are to a certain lifestyle and a certain type of closeness. It is better to know this in advance. And also be aware that you are not throwing away your beautiful life. You are making decisions that you believe in. People who are worth your time will applaud your decisions.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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