Opinion | The 8 best songs of the summer that Alexandra Petri didn’t invent

I’m talking about songs like “I’m in a Marching Band,” without which no parade would be complete! Or have you ever been to a wedding without “Summer Wedding Dance” getting everyone on the dance floor? That would be like celebrating Thanksgiving without hearing “Draw a Hand Turkey” once. I certainly didn’t just come up with these songs in collaboration with composer Jack Mitchell. It’s not something we do every now and then.

In case you missed them, I’ve put together the perfect playlist of the eight best songs of the summer. I’ve also provided links so you can listen to them if you’re living in a hole and the culture has passed you by. You’re welcome!

8. “Sunscreen (In My Eye)” by Cali

Sun protection is extremely important for protecting your skin.

The largest organ in the body stores your intestines.

The sun likes to attack them, but we like to defend them,

So apply some sunscreen to your epidermis, friend!

I’ve been playing this song since it hit the charts in 2011. When I listen to the lyrics, I understand why Cali never had the big break she could have. In a 2014 interview with Rolling Stone, superstar producer Jack Antonoff recounts meeting her at a party and saying, “Cali, your singing is impeccable, but if you keep putting specific dermatological terms in your lyrics, you’ll never be a mainstream pop star.”

Their subsequent singles “You Put the ‘Cute’ in ‘Subcutaneous Layer’” and “ABCD! (Know the Signs of an Abnormal Mole)” failed to chart.

7. “I’m in a Marching Band”, arr. John Philip Pseudo

My tuba is too heavy and my outfit is too hot.

I’m stuck behind the horses in a pretty awkward spot.

And I just stepped on something that I think the horse forgot –

I hate this brass band!

The melody? A pure military march. The lyrics? Added decades later by an anonymous instrumentalist. I can no longer listen to the underlying music without also hearing those lyrics, just as I can no longer listen to “Jingle Bells” without being reminded that Batman stinks.

6. “Confrontation” from “Les Grillsérables”

Stop floating and get out the fries and coleslaw!

This is your job as my son-in-law —

The grill is mine! I’ll make sure the burgers are ready.

It just isn’t a barbecue without two people at the grill trying to sing a duet to this song. If that goes well, they can follow it up with “Red and Black,” the next duet on the album (“Red, the shade this steak should be! Black, the color it is!”)

Marketed as “A ‘Les Misérables’ for men who like to grill” and “songs you can play for your uncle who says he’s ‘never been to a musical’ like that’s something to be proud of but you think he’d like it if he wasn’t so scared,” this concept album features a blurb by Guy Fieri that says, “I listened to this.”

Other numbers included are “On My Own (The Way I Do My Grilling)”, “Do You Hear the People Singe?” and “Bring Ham Home”.

5. “SAND” by Belka, Strelka and Bob

First it was in the sea, now it is on land.

You can feel it by touching it with the palm of your hand.

It is a substance that we understand,

And the name it bears is… SAND!

Swedish electronic group Belka, Strelka and Bob looked at the landscape of Europop hits in 2003 and said, “There were songs about lots of topics, but none of them were universal! Sand is universal!” They decided they had a surefire winner on their hands that would practically write itself… only it didn’t. People who have heard it in the original Swedish version say it’s “marginally better.”

It’s not every year that there’s a Europop hit about Sand with a lyric that’s negative about George Sand. And the more I listen to this song, the less sure I am that Belka knows anything about Sand. Does does it come from the sea? Is that how sand works? Is it actually a substance we understand?

4. “Fireworks!!!!!” from “Calming Sounds for Dogs (Vol. 6)”

It’s worse than the vacuum! There is no way out!

They say it’s in color, but I don’t know.

After Vol. 5 of Soothing Sounds for Dogs, the quality control got significantly worse. In fact, I don’t think they even listened to this song before releasing it, to the dismay of thousands of dog owners across the country who were suddenly confronted with rock vocals, blaring guitars, and real fireworks effects.

Unfortunately, the lawsuits that followed only served to popularize the song, which became a niche hit among people who enjoy albums that feature dogs and cats barking and meowing their way through Christmas carols.

3. “Beach Traffic” by the Beach Realists

The GPS always lies that there are still minutes left,

But the GPS has been showing this for about three hours.

This was the only hit by the Beach Realists, a group formed in the 1960s as a direct response to the existence of the Beach Boys. “The Beach Boys are a provocation,” said lead singer Ryan Wontdottir. “We are a corrective. We tried to bring realism and truth to the world of the beach, to the same soundtrack of happy pop.”

In later years, Wontdottir was also an admirer of “SAND,” which he said “captures the grainy reality of sand, especially in the Swedish original.”

2. “Summer Wedding Dance” by Party Stopperz

Okay, ladies, say this with a serious face:

I will wear this dress again!

“I will wear this dress again!”

No, I didn’t believe you, ladies – again!

I know others complain and say things like, “Even though it’s supposedly a line dance, it’s never explained what the actual dance steps are,” but those people are wrong: the dance steps are all the painful decisions that got you onto that wedding dance floor in the first place.

The lyricist of the song had her name removed from the credits because her friends felt it was a direct criticism specifically of their weddings.

1. “Hot Dog 76” from “Nathan’s: The Musical”

Because I am Hot Dog 76, looking great on my bun!

And I’m sitting here with Nathan in the sun of the hot dog contest.

In this ill-fated show, a young, hopeful hot dog learns the harsh reality of life on Coney Island when he is devoured. Audiences described the show as “something that felt like it was for kids, but then the main character got eaten alive.”

I’ll just say it: I think this musical should have been a hit, and I’m sorry it was cancelled after one performance. The kick line alone was worth the price of admission, I’m told.

The show’s producer attributed the failure to the rise of jukebox musicals, saying, “Nowadays, people would rather go and hear a song they already know than watch a singing hot dog perform brand new, completely original songs with a live orchestra before being eaten by Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut.”

And I agree with him! What would you rather hear on the Fourth of July: “Born in the USA” again or that hot dog meeting its gruesome end? Don’t answer that question! Just enjoy the playlist. Long live summer – both the sandy, eye-stinging, roaring, traffic-plagued reality and the summer we will falsely remember because it is captured on our Instagrams. “Espresso” is the latter. These are the songs for the former.

Music and lyrics by Alexandra Petri and Michael. Music production by Jack Mitchell. Guitar tracking, vocal engineering and additional music production by Conor Keelan. Vocals by Andrew Barbato, Jack Mitchell, Corey Moss, Anthony Norman, Emily Olcott, Fergie L. Philippe and Jamie Linn Watson. Special thanks to Andrea DeVito.