A message from a rich man to the striking UAW workers and WGA writers: Enough is enough

The United Auto Workers union is currently on strike, and writers and actors have been on strike against Hollywood studios for months. These walkouts are obviously frustrating for the super-rich, but I’m happy to say that one anonymous executive had the courage to share his thoughts with the strikers.

Dear striking arms:

I am a wealthy executive working in both the automotive and film industries. I am writing to politely request that you call off your strikes before you cause further harm to me and my family, including my three purebred Tibetan Mastiffs, Hampton, Belvedere and Harrumph.

Your refusal to accept the generous, more than zero wages offered to you is rude, and I don’t think you’ve given much thought to how your work stoppage might inconvenience people like me who are more important than you. Thanks to your “desire for a fair wage,” several of my children have had to consider what it would be like to work for a living, and we’ve had to switch the Mastiffs from Wagyu beef to a Wagyu-Angus cross, which has less marbling, which has made them mischievous.

Striking workers think they deserve a fair wage? HAH!

Before I go any further, you should know my credibility. I have worked my entire adult life in conference rooms that sometimes served unbottled water and whose humidistats fluctuated too much for my liking. I once sweated. While I amassed a large fortune, I devoted myself to philanthropy, making sure my second mansion (of four) was clearly visible from the street so that underprivileged people could see it and feel inspired.

Like the CEOs of the Big Three auto companies, my salary has increased 40% over the past decade, so you can imagine my shock when the thugs at the United Auto Workers told their workers to expect a similar raise.

What an absurd proposal. If we as leaders start raising our employees’ wages at the same rate as we raise our own wages, we could end up with less of the money we currently have and can’t do anything with. That’s an impossibility.

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If I don’t have more money than I can spend, I might rethink what I do with the money I do have, and next I might distribute the money more fairly among the people who helped me get the money in the first place.

THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS!

How dare Hollywood screenwriters and actors demand that they earn more than 100 times less than me!

The same goes for the striking Hollywood writers. Is there an analysis by the Los Angeles Times that shows that Hollywood executives’ salaries have increased 53% since 2018 and are more than 100 times the average screenwriter’s salary?

I don’t know. I can’t find that copy of the Times because Butler #4 accidentally left it in the same place where I like to build my money forts. Do you expect me to tear down a perfectly intact money fort just to learn something that will make me feel empathy for another human being? (I’m kidding, my empathy gland was removed during my last plastic surgery!)

All I know is that you are putting me in danger by your recalcitrance. If these strikes continue much longer, I could slide from the top 0.0001% to the top 0.001%, which would be embarrassing.

We don’t need you striking workers to build our cars

You all think yourselves are SO special and talented that you deserve a say in whether it’s “fair” that families in the top 1% of the United States earn more than 26 times as much as families in the bottom 99% – or that the top 10% of the population has seen real income growth of 145% since 1980, while the bottom 50% has seen income growth of only 20%.

As if we, the proud elite who made our hard-earned money by watching you all work so hard, even need you stupid people.

Republican or Democrat? Florida and Michigan show voters which side has heart.

I bet my son Binkley could build a car as well as any of you ungrateful union types.

BINKLEY! BUILD ME A CAR!

Oops. I forgot that Binkley is on a wellness retreat recovering from the trauma he suffered from getting mud on his shoes during the all-day brie famine at this year’s Burning Man.

Regardless, I am confident that I can find competent people to build cars for me, people who would not make outrageous demands like restoring pensions, job security, or repealing the benefits cut during the Great Recession of 2008.

UAW, WGA and SAG must end their strikes

The bottom line is: STOP STRIKING!

This is indecent and un-American. This country was built on the Pilates-trained and strengthened backs of important people like me, and I will not stand by while you, the rabble, moan and whine about how your salaries differ absurdly from those of the executives.

Would it help if we offered you some free soup? You seem to like the stuff.

Of course, when we do that, the next thing you’ll ask is for spoons or bowls or something like that. It’s a tricky issue.

Disney, Netflix should listen better: Pay your writers and actors, otherwise you will have to answer to us, the unentertained

Think about how these strikes could hurt the rich

Meanwhile, my family and I are very concerned about our Mastiffs’ food issues and wondering if we will have to cancel our seventh vacation this year. (It’s not like we can just return the island we bought!)

Shame on all of you for so selfishly demanding things that make mathematical and moral sense. WE WILL NOT GIVE IN TO YOUR DEMANDS!

(Unless we have to downgrade the Mastiffs to USDA Select. That might be asking too much.)

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: UAW strike demands better pay for workers, ignores needs of wealthy CEOs