Showing yourself – when motivated by empathy, love and support – is rarely the wrong response

DEAR READERS, As I mark my final week of writing this column, I’m revisiting some of my most memorable questions and answers. Today, I’m sharing a thoughtful update from a reader whose question was first published in 2019. Her update follows the original Q&A.

DEAR AMY: About five years ago, I completed my doctorate under the guidance of a wonderful woman, “Daisy.” She was a truly transformative influence on my life, and I owe her a great deal.

We developed a close bond and she introduced me to her husband and daughter several times. After graduation, we saw each other about once a year.

When I have a day off or pass by her campus, I usually invite her for coffee or lunch. I think of her often.

Here’s my dilemma: I recently learned that her daughter was in a tragic accident six months ago and is now paralyzed from the waist down. The story was reported in the national press, but I only learned it was Daisy’s daughter through an independent professional contact.

I really want to get in touch with Daisy and her daughter, but I don’t know how to go about it.

Should I mention the accident or should I just ask her for coffee and see if she’ll talk about it? I don’t want to be insensitive, but I also want to be there for my friend in this time of need.

– Lost in London

DEAR LOST: You should definitely get in touch and express your condolences and sympathy.

Here’s a start: “Dear Daisy, I was so sad to hear about your daughter’s accident. I am so grateful for your years of care and friendship. Please know that I am thinking of all of you right now. I will be in the area soon and would love to see you both again, if possible.”

Please understand that it is compassionate and appropriate to reach out even if you aren’t sure what to say and even if you can’t offer a solution to a particular problem. So often, people withdraw during difficult times. Don’t ignore your friend now.

Here is an inspiring update from – Lost in London:

DEAR AMY, You have encouraged me to reach out to others and reminded me that in times of stress and sadness, people tend to withdraw from others for fear of going too far, embarrassing themselves, or saying the wrong thing. When in fact, we should be reaching out to our friends and colleagues and being there for them.

In this case, I contacted and met my mentor “Daisy”. We had a wonderful conversation and continued our relationship.

But perhaps more importantly, your specific advice that day and in all the other columns you’ve published reflect the same themes: consistent, compassionate friendship, the importance of self-care, self-love and boundary setting, and the realization that sometimes things are out of your control and you have to learn to live with them.

Your words in your response to me and those you have given to so many others have shaped the way I view the world, especially “just being there.” That might be physically, by helping a friend pack and move boxes while you clean out your parents’ house, or emotionally, by calling a friend you’ve been thinking of, making a peace offering to an estranged family member, or by being there for yourself by removing toxic influences from your life.

When compassion, empathy, love, and support are the motivating factors, showing up is rarely the wrong response. And even if it is, at least you know you tried.

DEAR LOST IN LONDON: You summed up my overall impression beautifully. Thank you!

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DEAR AMY, I am an averagely attractive single woman living in a big city.

I am frequently approached by men of other races who flirt with me and try to get my phone number.

How do I tell them I’m not interested without offending them?

I stay with my own kind.

– No thanks

DEAR, NO, THANKS: It’s pretty easy to say “no, thank you.”

However, if you really want to scare off these interested men, you can tell them the truth: “No offense, but I’m a racist.”

After that, they should leave you alone.

(April 2020)

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DEAR READERS: R. Eric Thomas is launching a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can help Eric get started by asking him your toughest questions. Contact him at [email protected].

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @fragenamy or Facebook.)