Woman hid rape from her boyfriend

Dear readers: To mark the final week of writing this column, I’m repeating some memorable questions and answers.

Dear Amy: I am in a very loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows almost everything about me. The last thing – what he doesn’t know – is my well-kept secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Even then, few people knew about it. It took me years to admit it to myself.

Lately, I’ve been feeling guilty about not telling my loved one this deep secret. Not because it hurts to talk about it (I’ve repressed it so much that it’s numbed), but because I don’t know how to bring it up without him feeling overwhelmed, confused, or even angry.

I feel like he needs to know, and I feel like I’m hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel that way.

How do I position this and bring it up in the conversation?

– Protected secret

Dear Protected: First of all – I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Understand that you can feel however you feel, including guilt, sadness, and fear. The way you deal with it will likely change over time.

In my opinion, you should start by redefining the language you use to describe your rape. Think of it as a “deep, dark secret.” It’s something you’re hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Avoid words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape victim. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy self-esteem, your personal, creative, or professional successes – all of these things define you.

And that’s why you shouldn’t “bring it up and talk about it.” Rape is not something you talk about. It IS the conversation.

This may sound obvious, but I firmly believe that practice is one way to prepare for a difficult experience or conversation.

Write down your thoughts.

Choose a time and place where you feel comfortable and no one will distract you.

I suggest starting with something like this: “I need to talk to you about something. This is hard for me, and I hope you’ll be patient with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

If you two have a loving future together (which I assume you do), your stories and his – the joyful and the heartbreaking – will stay with you.

Remember, there are so many survivors standing by your side. I hope you can imagine an army of supportive survivors having your back.

You would benefit from professional counseling and group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and phone counseling.

(November 2019)

Dear readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can send him your questions at [email protected].

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @fragenamy or Facebook.

©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.