Psst! Forget the myth; men love gossip very much

Have you heard? There are three things that will never be answered, questions that have puzzled philosophers and laypeople alike, from presidents to farmers: Who let the dogs out? What’s The Rock cooking and can you smell it?

And perhaps more importantly, what is it about gossip that makes our country purr so much? Ulisikia what for Nani said about Nani while Nini? My God. You’ve probably thought about it, but I’m here to confirm it: I love gossip. Forget that, men love gossip.

The people who run tabloids – and who have more power and real authority – are the men. But my mother taught me not to talk with food in their mouths. I mean, men would start a podcast to feed the hot take economy; privileged men who mistake their depression for existential wisdom. Let’s talk, but it seems like we never do anything but talk. Ati Men don’t open up? Have you seen men with men? You can’t suppress it, nothing is excluded, let’s go deeper. You know what I mean.

Take the Bible, for example. Yes, I’ll get into that. Think of our sacred texts – the Torah, the New Testament, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita – entire worldviews based on second-hand accounts and hearsay, written by writers with their own agendas. In the absence of confirmed facts, gossip and rumors are sanctified as truth. We repeat them to each other, and that’s how history is recorded. Isn’t that why we’ve come to believe that lawyers have money? Okay, joke, joke.

It is said that men are prone to lust and women to gossip, but I dare say that nothing is sweeter to a man than rumours. It is said that men talk less. That men’s mouths are for blessing and cursing and chewing juicy goat ribs. They have been misled. I have seen women with their lips coated in litres of red paint destroying a killed Maasai goat shoulder and their throats being filled with a 750ml mzinga with a Kaquater-Mzinga as a dessert. Dry fry. Both the meat and the drink. I also now confirm that men use their mouths for juicy rumors.

But of course men don’t say they gossip. We talk. We discuss. We advise. We don’t gossip. That’s something women do, idle chatter. But every man with that thing in his pants loves to gossip. You want to know something? Yes, everyone has seen it, but if you ask, no one knows. Days can go by like that. Thank you, you. Niliskien. Did you tell me, Nakushow? We “talk” about the man whose wife sits on him Ki Chapo, and we shake our heads and say we could never be. I even heard with my own ears that he is thinking about taking his wife’s name.

We “discuss” how auctioneers came to Baba Caro’s house and carried everything. Thats something! Don’t say I said so, but I heard he disappeared. And we told Baba Caro that these Gen Zs with flat bellies like an African rock python are going to eat not only his money, but him too. Sasa Ona. We are “debating” the finance bill and wondering if they will soon start taxing condoms again because this government wants to have it all. Focus… With married couples, I expect this is even more the case. If a family that prays together stays together, what about a family that gossips together? Are they thriving? Are they building a bond? Are they growing? Are the children learning to share information? Are the fire between Dzaddy and Mamaa being lit and fanned?

When a couple discusses another couple’s divorce, aren’t they simply trying to understand the disputes between the two? Is it slander or argument to speculate about how someone buys apartments with their salary while making fun of ours? Someone asked for a raise at work. Is it time we did that too? Aren’t we simply trying to understand things about ourselves by observing the people around us? Doesn’t that strengthen our solidarity with each other? That doesn’t mean that gossip is ever moral or fair or even true; it’s just that it can also be enormously fun.

My favorite comment is “Wueh.” It doesn’t matter what the conversation is, that’s an appropriate response. The man in State House who rules the country like a tsar over the satraps? Wueh! My boss gets promoted before me? Wueh! Nani got pregnant to keep a man? Wueh x2. Cynicism? Maybe. But we live in an age dominated by pessimism and cynicism. These are our bulletproof walls against the vulnerability of hope. Can you disappoint a cynical man?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about gossip that puts other people down. That’s for beginners and people who watch TikTok videos without headphones and support Manchester United. Usually both. Sorry, I didn’t mean to put anyone down. Social media in particular rewards our meanest, least empathetic sides and pushes us into extreme positions. In this context, the harmless exaggerations of gossip can turn into catastrophic falsehoods.

To quote the Bible, “A whisperer separates close friends.”

Originally, “gossip” was a noun for a village woman.

Gossip creates political resistance that undermines entrenched systems of power and domination. Isn’t this how we find out that other people are earning more for the same work we do?

I would not forget to mention a verse that comes later, also from the book of Proverbs: “The words of a slanderer are like delicious morsels.” The only bad gossip is that which is delayed. Delayed gossip is missed gossip. To refrain from gossip because one considers oneself morally corrupt is a form of moral neurosis. I may be wrong, but I doubt it. And, is this my Nakushow?