Summary of Below Deck Mediterranean, Season 9, Episode 8

In the last week I have not once thought: I wonder if the Mustique will make it out of the dock just fine. The boat is clearly not surrounded. A box has four sides and is only blocked on three. Ergo, not surrounded. The crew gets within a meter of the other boat’s lines, but Sandy is a professional. She prevents a worse outcome by Nathan is her archer instead of Joe. Nathan talks to Gael about how much he feels sorry for Joe, but the conversation turns into a discussion of their own relationship. She says they are friends, he says they are colleagues. In an interview, Nathan explains that he gives Gael the space to “be respectful” but strategically doesn’t want to come across as too pushy. I find it ugly that it seems like mind games can work on him.

Joe is still disappointed that Sandy prefers Nathan, but even he admits that “on paper” Nathan should be the lead deckhand. Um, it’s not just on paper, buddy. Sandy calls Joe to the bridge and he’s worried he’s in trouble again. Instead, she puts him at the helm while she gets a cup of coffee. It’s a nice confidence-boosting moment. She’s not going to demote him and reaffirms that she trusts him. I don’t trust Joe and haven’t really understood what all the hype about him is about, but when he jumped off the deck for water sports, I finally got it: A girl would fake drowning so someone would jump in the water for her.

When I saw the title of this episode was “Dirty Laundry,” I was hoping we might get some juicy gossip, although I assumed Bri was more likely to lose track of the laundry again. And even though she meticulously notes all the laundry in a notebook, that’s not enough to avoid mistakes. Sandy shows Bri one of her white pants that are no longer white because they were probably tucked into dark colors. Bri promises that she washed them separately and will continue to do so. This all sets the scene for what seems like a small, awkward moment in the laundry room between Bri and Ellie, but like the laundry, it spills over into other things. Bri finds Ellie in the laundry room and tries to send her away with a humble “I have laundry.” She feels like Ellie is messing up her (messy) system. Ellie needs something to do because Aesha doesn’t need help upstairs, so she’s going to help. There’s a super quick cut of Ellie, alone in the room, putting some clothes in the washing machine, and it looks like there are blue and white clothes together. I’m frantically pointing at the screen like in that Leo DiCaprio meme. Then Ellie notices that in Bri’s notebook there’s a list of mistakes that she thinks are Bri’s mistakes that Bri blames her for. The list isn’t short, which suggests that there are a lot more mistakes being made than we’re shown. Yuck.

Aesha feels like she can’t do everything, so she puts Ellie in charge of the lunch service to take a break. Ellie gives Bri some service tasks in a voice that is at least two octaves higher than normal. Either she is whispering because of the guests or she is taking Aesha’s warning, How they say things to each other too literally. Ellie then keeps radioing Bri to help with the cocktail ingredients, leaving Bri with no time to set the table for lunch. Aesha hears all of this on the baby monitor – sorry, radio – while she’s on break, and it stresses her out. Ten minutes before lunch, she gives up break and jumps in to help set the table. Ellie is overly optimistic that they had it under control, and is devastated that she didn’t get the full chance to prove herself. I think Aesha made the right decision here, but seeing her not being able to relax was delightfully relatable.

In the galley, Jono ups the ante. He uses a Greek friend’s family recipe for lunch, which the guests love, even if they don’t all know the difference between shrimp and crab. Nothing special to report about these guests so far, so I won’t remember their names until they do something interesting. Swiping the worm on the carpet and doing a cartwheel on the floating dock isn’t enough to impress, girls.

The Mustique heads back into a rocky harbor at Hydra, where Iain’s lack of attention to detail strikes again. He says there’s no one there to catch the throw lines, not noticing the two guys waiting right there. Sandy is frustrated that Iain doesn’t always look before he speaks. He also thinks the guests will make a big jump from the floating dock to the rocks, but Gael suggests a different configuration that will be easier for them. It’s still a bit of a challenge for them to climb up, which almost justifies their athletic casual clothes for exploring the town. Aesha goes with them, which is arguably an even bigger sign of “tourist” than any Lululemon or American accent. I’ll never understand why guests need chaperones for excursions like this: she offers nothing but tour guides, not even nonsense about an old building. A little research wouldn’t hurt, right?

Later, Ellie tells Aesha about the embarrassing moment with Bri in the laundry room, making it official thing. The editors replay the scene along with her report, which makes it clear how she exaggerates and changes details. As they say, memory is a fickle thing, so I don’t know how much is truly malicious on Ellie’s part. I’m sure she feels as if Bri stormed out when she was the one who left. Ellie also tells Aesha about the list of mistakes. Aesha plays Ellie’s story to her face but knows she has to hear both sides. That night, Aesha goes to read the “burn book” and recognizes in it what Bri intended: receipts. In addition to the list of mistakes, Aesha notices cashmere in the dryer. She feels things are getting out of control and is ready to call in the captain. We’ll have to wait and see who gets… hung out to dry. (I can’t resist the pun, sorry!)

Dinner is “glitter night” and the guests are all dressed to match the theme. It’s actually quite cute, apart from the disco balls. Jono gets more creative with the plating, which I think is a bit over the top. But I’m glad he’s excited, and I admire the effort he put into keeping dessert on theme. He serves poached pears with gold leaf. The guests ask if it will show up in their poop later, and of course Aesha gives too much away that she likes to send her boyfriend photos when she has a really big dick. I like to think that’s exactly what the inventors of text messaging had in mind.

To add even more glamour, the interior crew asks Joe and Gael to perform a dance. Under deck‘S typical entertainment standards, I’m amazed at what they’re throwing together. They’re doing choreographed lifts! For the second time this episode, I get what Joe is all about. Unfortunately, according to the preview, it looks like he’s about to lose that reputation. This week, things are more heated than anything else: Joe and Ellie make out in front of Bri, and Sandy threatens to fire both stewardesses! I can’t wait.

While Joe dreams of Bri wearing old-style braces, there are a few things that keep me up at night:

• I have to take back my comments from last week about Gael’s boyfriend’s texting. I’ve long wondered if the show adds punctuation to them because neither Gen Z nor Millennials text that formally. At this point, I think they need to revise the grammar for clarity. Either that, or we’re dealing with two sociopaths.

• Did Aesha sing “I’m gonna wet my pants” to the tune of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop”? Is this fair use or is it against standards? Do I just have brain rot from my unfortunate time as a fraternity member where this song was played on repeat for two hours?

• Why will Iain sleep in his full uniform, including belt??