Lavender weddings in India: A compromise between love and identity | Feelings News

Despite the groundbreaking decriminalization of homosexuality in 2018 through Article 377, the acceptance and recognition of same-sex marriage and partnerships remains a controversial and distant dream for many, as in October 2023 a five-judge Constitutional Bench of the Supreme Court rejected the legalization of same-sex marriage.

The Rise of the Lavender Marriage

Due to the social stigma attached to homosexuality, lavender marriages have become a widespread reality in India and the South Asian diaspora. The 2022 film Badhaai Dowhich deals with the topic of “lavender fiefdoms”, has further sparked a public debate on the subject in India.

The term “lavender marriage” originated in the early 20th century and refers to a secret union between a man and a woman of different sexual orientation, entered into as a marriage of convenience in order to conceal the socially stigmatized sexual orientation of the partner(s) and to provide them with the legal, social and financial advantages associated with it.

It is often a means of avoiding social disapproval. “Lavender marriages often arise from the lack of acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities, resulting in societal pressure to conform to heteronormative standards, fear of exclusion, desire to preserve family honour, and limited legal recognition of same-sex relationships,” said Anweesh Sahoo, Lead Technical Artist at Aristocrat Gaming and winner of Mr Gay World India (2016), explaining the reasons behind the rise in such marriages in India.

The consequences of a lavender marriage

Lavender weddings have several implications and underline the need for greater social acceptance and understanding of different sexual orientations. (Symbolic image)

Can a Lavender Marriage stand the test of time? It is rarely a queer person’s preferred choice. Often it is a last resort.

“My partner was thrown out of the house late at night because of his sexual orientation, which was a harsh reality for me. So, living as a gay man in India is a rollercoaster ride. From constant pressure from society to conform to traditional norms, family expectations, loopholes in the law to discrimination in the workplace, the challenges are endless and the fear of judgement is always lurking,” says Ketan Bajaj, AVP, Nat Cat Specialist.

“The need to maintain a facade and lead a double life can lead to stress, anxiety and depression. The inner conflict between personal identity and societal expectations can lead to feelings of isolation, guilt and hopelessness, which can undermine self-esteem and, over time, lead to long-term psychological suffering,” Sahoo said.

A 35-year-old woman who wishes to remain anonymous told us about her personal experience: “I was full of hope when my parents arranged my marriage, but after a few years I found out that my husband was gay. I felt so hurt and betrayed – how could he go along with this fake marriage? I felt sorry for him and tried to make it so that we stayed together in public but had our own private lives. But the constant family expectations, arguments and lack of real intimacy were too much and led to us splitting up.”

This is exactly what Saurabh Kirpal, a senior lawyer and LGBTQ activist, concluded in his plea in court: “What happens if non-heterosexual people are denied marriage? In our society, we would have ‘lavender marriages’. Two lives would be ruined.”

The path to equality

“The repeal of Article 377 was a milestone in India, but the journey continues. Acceptance, legal reforms and societal change require persistent efforts,” said Bajaj. The community hopes that India will move towards greater acceptance and inclusive policies that recognize and protect the rights of LGBTQ+ people in all walks of life, ensuring that all people can live authentically without having to resort to such compromises.

India has made progress in recognizing LGBTQ+ rights, but challenges remain. (Express archive photo)