“Don’t expect so much” and other terrible dating advice people have actually received

Giving relationship and dating advice isn’t particularly easy, so if your friend is going through a situation like this, often the best thing to do is just listen to what they’ve experienced.

Yet well-meaning friends and family members continue to offer relationship advice that is rarely asked for and rarely helpful.

Case in point? The bad “advice” our readers have received or otherwise experienced. From platitudes (“Never settle”) to homework (“Make a list of what you want”), read what they had to say below.

“‘Just wait for it to happen’ is bad advice. The truth is that everyone has a busy life and finding the right person often requires kissing a lot of frogs. Don’t expect love to come to you. Go and find it.” ― Joshua Coleman, a psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area

“Grown men don’t flaunt their master’s degrees in mindf**kery. If he likes you, you’ll know. He’ll show you with words and actions. Don’t underestimate a man who avoids breadcrumbing or follows the outdated three-day rule.” ― Jodi Meltzer, author of “Your Face Lights Up the World”

“I’ve heard this far too many times. People think that if they make a very specific list of what they’re looking for, they’ll find the love that’s right for them. In my experience, the opposite is true. It’s important to have a general idea of ​​things that might automatically be a red flag for you, but most romantic relationships seem to develop between unlikely people under unlikely circumstances.

“My best relationships have been with people who were so different from what I thought I was looking for. It’s about being open and willing to make a move or adapt.” – Rev. Brandan Robertson, pastor and author of Dry Bones and Holy Wars: A Call for Social and Spiritual Renewal

“It may be a digital world, but we need more than just scrolling. Even as a queer woman, I’ve met my loved ones in real life, including my wife, who I met at a Pride Ride bike meet two weeks after moving to a new city on the other side of the country from where I grew up. Getting out and doing activities I already enjoy makes it easier to connect with others. It gives space for love to find us. Plus, we get to enjoy the ride!” ― Bex Mui, founder and author of “House of Our Queer”

“When I was a young, recently divorced, single mother, my grandmother told me I would die alone. And she added, ‘You can never expect another man to love your child.’

“That was probably her truth in the era she was born in (she was born in 1918). She thought I was damaged goods. Don’t look for love. Accept your obsolescence. This misogyny, internalized and externalized, lives on to this day. All these negative scripts. You are a single father and therefore “less valuable.” If someone loves you, hold on to that and be content with that. Ugh. The truth is, love is everywhere. You may not get the romantic partner you dreamed of, but maybe. You deserve respect either way.

“My grandmother died the same year I met my husband. We have been married for 14 years and he loves my son very much. She lived long enough to take back her words.” ― Tracy Schorn, blogger at the advice site Chump Lady and author of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide

“Authenticity is crucial to success in dating and in life in general, so I’m not suggesting that you should act inauthentic. But if you’re at a point where you’re asking for relationship advice because you’re fed up with false starts and dead ends, there’s a good chance you’re doing something that’s holding you back romantically.

“In this case, simply ‘being yourself’ and repeating the same behaviors will only get you the same results you are unhappy with today. You would be better off hitting the pause button and making changes – whether it’s changes in where you spend time, interact with people, or how you treat yourself – before you can expect different results in dating. Essentially, you don’t have to act like someone else to find a partner that excites you, but you may need to improve yourself and become the best version of yourself!” ― Blaine Anderson, a dating coach from Austin, Texas

“Never Make the first date a trip to the movies. How are you supposed to get to know someone if you don’t talk for two hours?” – David Kaye, Artistic Director at Bad Example Productions

“Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to follow the ‘rules,’ the ‘new rules,’ or any love or dating advice that encourages you to follow a playbook that is ‘guaranteed’ to get you the relationship you want. If you have to pretend to be someone you’re not to find the relationship of your dreams, the only thing you’ll get is a nightmare.

“Even if you find someone this way, if your new partner realizes that you are not really the person he or she thought you were (and that will happened!), the relationship will break down. At that point, you have not only lost your partner, but also your integrity and your time! ― Karen Covy, divorce coach and mediator

“The worst advice I ever got came from Hollywood: ‘You can save someone or fix them.’ There are countless movies where a character is in a bad way, but another person loves them so much that the wounded soul is saved. I tried to show a woman in an abusive relationship the ‘white knight.’ I wanted to show her that she was worth more than what she was getting, and it worked — sort of. When the abusive relationship ended, she recovered from me and then moved on when she found someone new. People have to be willing to grow and change. It’s not something you can force them to do.” – Nathan Timmel, comedian and author

“This advice usually closes people off by making them intolerant of anything that isn’t perfect. Often people have this mindset: their date makes one tiny mistake and they let it go. Or they won’t settle for someone based on looks, profession, or education. It can also be a mantra people use to protect themselves from stepping out of their comfort zone, which ironically means being treated badly by a total jerk.

“When you say, ‘Don’t settle,’ you become the judge and your date is there to prove something to you. Instead of not settling, turn it into something positive. Pay attention to red flags and how they make you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, move on to the next person. Instead of seeing it as a triumph of standards, just say, ‘You’re not for me.’ In the search for love, we must be open to all possibilities.” – Grace Lee, dating coach and founder of A Good First Date

“I think in today’s society, there’s almost a belief that you should be talking to five people at once, and I think that can really confuse you and take you away from what you’re really looking for, which is that spark that can hopefully lead to love. You don’t want to get to a point in dating where you’re thinking about who you’re going to go out with later in the week. (I’m talking about the majority of the cast of ‘Summer House’ and ‘Vanderpump Rules’.)” ― Ryan Bailey, host of Betches Media podcast “So Bad It’s Good with Ryan Bailey”

“I’ve been told to ‘stop expecting so much from love’ and ‘keep my expectations in check.’ I don’t agree. Love rules the world, but finding it shouldn’t mean giving up personal values.” ― Dawn Jorgensen, travel blogger at The Incidental Tourist

“That was by far the worst advice I ever got! One time, me and my old hulk got into a fight over the best flavor of Triscuit. Of course, it’s the one with a hint of sea salt. It’s a classic for a reason. We argued nonstop for the next four days. I didn’t go to work. I got fired. And in the end, I waved the white flag and said the one with cracked pepper and olive oil was the best. Just kidding, but sometimes it’s better to agree to disagree!” ― Emily Kapp, comedy writer at The Belladonna

“I learned the hard way that the foundation of love – even the kind that makes you weak at the knees and awakens your soul – can crumble under pressure. Love must be strengthened by a mutual willingness to work together to overcome life’s earthquakes. Work can conquer all, but love cannot.” – Meltzer

Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.