My husband Gary was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma in 2019 at age 57. Gary was a vegan, an artist and graphic designer, and an avid hiker. He loved life and we did everything we could to prolong it after his devastating diagnosis.
For over three years, Gary fought hard and underwent a series of treatments. He began chemotherapy, but the cancer was drug-resistant. He underwent a bone marrow transplant. We tried immunotherapy, which was difficult, painful and frightening. He fought on and underwent chemotherapy again.
In January 2023, a scan showed that the lymphoma had returned. Gary was so weak at this point. We kept going to the emergency room and knew his life was about to end.
We had always known about physician-assisted suicide through our research and thought that if it was that bad, we might have to go to Oregon or Switzerland. A month before that fateful scan, we learned that it was legal in California and that Kaiser Permanente had an assisted suicide program.
We wondered why we hadn’t been told about it sooner, considering California passed the End of Life Option Act in 2016. The law allows residents who are at least 18 years old with a terminal illness and have a life expectancy of six months or less to request medication to hasten their death. Unfortunately, public awareness of physician-assisted death is limited; a recent study found that only a quarter of California seniors surveyed even knew about it. It is also hampered by too few doctors per capita and too little support from health care facilities.
There were so many obstacles and unnecessary hurdles for us to overcome just to give Gary the dignity to choose his own way out and put an end to his suffering.
After making an appointment with Kaiser’s end-of-life care provider, we were connected with doctors who supported Gary’s decision. Everything had to happen quickly because he was suffering so much.
His oncologist was against medical euthanasia and said that his type of lymphoma would kill him so quickly that he didn’t need it. When I think of her lack of compassion and care, it still makes me sad.
In February 2023, things were bad. Gary was in constant pain and we had to go to the hospital frequently to drain fluids and give blood transfusions. He was getting weaker and weaker, but we had prepared for this and worked with our end-of-life carer.
Gary was admitted to hospice the next month and told me it was time to get the necessary medications. We called our coordinator and asked for a volunteer who could prepare the medications and support Gary on his scheduled last day in April.
The process was too difficult for me emotionally, so I needed support. Thankfully, I found End of Life Choices California and our volunteer Lynne Calkins, who helped Gary end his life with dignity. Calkins made a home visit a few days before his final day, but when she arrived, Gary was in great pain.
He told us he wanted to take his medication that day. He couldn’t go on any longer.
We set up a cozy outdoor space on the patio. Gary was able to say goodbye to everyone he loved in the days before. When he died, he was enveloped in a bubble of love by my sister and me. Thankfully, Calkins was there to help us understand what was happening and what would happen next.
I couldn’t function anymore – it was all too emotional. I was grateful for the support. Beautiful plants and flowers surrounded Gary’s chaise longue, and he sucked on a popsicle to mask the bitter taste of the medication. He passed out almost immediately, holding my hand. We sat with him as he died peacefully.
It was as dignified as one could hope for, but the thought of it still burns. I hope our story helps Californians better understand their options so they can have those conversations with their family and doctors if they choose to.
