Is her affection real or fake? Recognizing the signs of love bombing

A giant teddy bear, love songs, cupcakes and sweet nothings. How can that not give anyone a warm, fuzzy feeling?

This is love bombing: trying to convince someone with exaggerated displays of affection. To the confused recipient, it feels like a pretty manipulative tactic to gain control. The result? People usually see through it immediately.

For example, Anvesha Singh, a teacher from Sharjah, recalls that every time her former partner tried to end their relationship, he would immediately send her home gifts and flowers in an attempt to win her over. However, he crossed the line when he left a rather large teddy bear on the steps near her apartment, which led to some confused questions from the neighbors and the security guard.

Rose George (name changed upon request), a US media professional living in Dubai, felt overwhelmed every time she argued with her partner: He sent her recordings of his romantic songs and cupcakes every day.

However, love bombing is not limited to romantic relationships. It can also be used in friendships and professional life to gain favor and avoid consequences.

Ananya Seth, a PR director in Dubai, remembers a junior colleague who constantly sent her gifts. “At first, I thought it was just a friendly gesture, but over time, the gifts became more frequent and their value increased,” she says. Gradually, Seth realized that her colleague was not doing well at work and was using gifts to appease her and distract her from her poor performance. Despite the team’s requests to stop the excessive gifts, it continued. “It started to feel like bribery,” she says. Since most companies have clearly stated policies regarding gifts, she eventually had to inform HR, who sent the employee a formal notice instructing her to stop giving gifts altogether.

In some cases, love bombing does not have to involve actual gifts, but can involve exaggerated messages of gratitude and thanks.

As you can see, love bombing can get messy and uncomfortable. Karen Blair, an American psychologist and relationship therapist based in Dubai, explains this tactic of openly expressing affection as follows: “It is a pattern of overly affectionate behavior in which one person ‘bombards’ another with expressions of love, which may include verbal expressions of affection, gifts, or a barrage of compliments. The person may also crave constant communication and want to spend more time with the person. Even if it is flattering at first, it is a warning sign,” she says.

In addition, it is also seen as a form of manipulation used to gain the upper hand over a person in the hope that they become dependent on them, adds Blair. This strategy, which is especially common in professional settings, fosters a sense of obligation. The recipient begins to feel confused and obligated and applies logic such as: they love me so much or they do so much for me, how can I repay them? It is even more contradictory when you want to end a relationship, whether platonic or not, explains Blair.

“The extra love and affection makes you question your own experience, why you had problems in the first place: ‘You are so kind and nice, did I misunderstand?'” she explains. Or another example: A manager might think twice about reprimanding a love bomber on their team too harshly. The question often asked: How do I break the news of their bad review to them in a friendly way?

The effects are many. These love bombing tactics are usually aimed at overwhelming a person, creating a connection and removing any possible doubts the other person might have. The giver or love bomber as such might demand more time from the person and slowly the receiver distances himself from his family and friends to be with them, leading to broken relationships and deep wounds, adds Blair.

This constant showering of affection can also destroy real bonds. People start to be cautious around the love bomber, unsure of his true motives.

Elise Frank points out the different signs of love bombing and distinguishes it from real affection:

Excessive compliments: They shower you with compliments that feel wrong or undeserved.

Constant attention: They text you, call you, and want to spend an unusual amount of time with you.

Big gestures: You show your affection with extravagant gifts or experiences that are disproportionate to how well you know each other.

Declarations of love too early: They say “I love you” very early, before a deep connection has developed.

In addition, love bombing can be a sign of a controlling personality, Frank adds. “The love bomber might become jealous or possessive when you spend time with others. They might manipulate your behavior by making you feel guilty or try to isolate you from loved ones and activities you enjoy. In extreme cases, they might even try to overly monitor your whereabouts.”

Frank highlights the hectic pace of love bombing, which can also occur early in a relationship. It could be a calculated strategy to shower one person with affection and create an unhealthy dependency. “The focus feels one-sided. The love bomber may shower the other person with affection but show no genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. It feels unbalanced and suffocating.” Contrast this with genuine affection. Healthy relationships develop gradually. There is security, space for both partners to grow, and the focus is on mutual understanding. The pace is steady, allowing for genuine feelings and a strong foundation, she adds.

Plus, the intensity of love bombing can fade over time, Frank says. Consistency is questionable. With genuine affection, however, it grows and deepens gradually. “Your intuition is important. If something feels wrong or too good to be true, it probably is. Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to step back from a situation that feels manipulative or overwhelming,” she says.

Sometimes the person doesn’t intend to manipulate or control. It could be a sign of desperation to save a relationship that is falling apart, explains Emily Haliday, a relationship therapist based in Abu Dhabi. “When a person realizes that someone doesn’t feel all that much for them, they will try anything to win the other person over. Love bombing isn’t always subtle manipulation; it can also stem from damaged self-esteem or deep-rooted insecurities where someone is afraid of losing the other person. So they try to win the other person back with flattery, gifts or lavish praise. It’s also a desire to be liked, loved and appreciated. That’s why some people go overboard without realizing or accepting that the other person feels uncomfortable, uneasy and trapped.”

Psychologists make some suggestions on how to tackle the problem of love bombing:

Recognize the signs: The first step is awareness. Pay attention to the signs. When you see these warning signals, take action.

Setting boundaries: This is crucial. Love bombing thrives on a lack of boundaries. Be clear about your communication needs, time for yourself and the pace of the relationship. Communicate these boundaries clearly but calmly.

Don’t be afraid to say no: It’s okay to say no to gifts, constant text messages, or pressure to spend more time together than you’d like.

Trust your instinct: If something doesn’t feel right, listen to your intuition. Love bombing can be confusing, but in a healthy relationship you should feel safe and respected, not pressured or overwhelmed.

Identify why: Ask yourself why you resort to love bombing. Is it fear of rejection? Do you suffer from an anxious attachment style? Understanding the root cause will make it easier to address it.

Empathy check: Consider how your actions might make the other person feel. Would you appreciate someone showering you with affection so quickly?

Slow it down: All healthy relationships develop gradually. Focus on really getting to know the person, their interests, values, and flaws.

Respect boundaries: Pay attention to how comfortable the other person is. Don’t pressure them to spend more time with you, accept gifts, or reciprocate strong feelings too soon.

It must be based on reciprocity: Show genuine interest in them. Ask questions, listen carefully and offer support.